I don’t know if I can be analytical or informative about the Her Ultimate Tongue-Gasm from Pipedream.

Like, the name is fucking awful. “Fantasy for Her, Her Ultimate Tongue-Gasm” is a mouthful, needlessly gendered, and hella tacky. (Sound familiar?) The design is ugly and feels outdated and unfinished. In an era where Zalo and Fun Factory exist, are customers going to look twice at a weird tongue appendage stuck on the end of a humpty dumpty handle, especially when it’s $80 USD?

The toy itself is heavy and awkward to hold. Its disproportionately tiny button is hard to find on its big-ass handle. It feels like using a bulky prototype tester, something at least two redesigns away from public release.

Everything about this toy is frustrating – except for how good it feels.

what the fuck is this thing

The Ultimate Tongue-Gasm is another bland purple installment in Pipedream’s Fantasy for Her line. The toy is made of body-safe silicone, making it non-toxic and functionally non-porous. (You don’t want pores on your sex toy, friend – that’s an unsanitizeable breeding ground for bacteria.) It’s rechargeable, waterproof, and lasts almost 2 whole hours on a charge.

The lengthy usage time has been especially helpful this year. Who the hell can remember to charge their sex toys between uses anymore? I’m too busy ignoring my corporeal form and restlessly scrolling Twitter.

The 3 inch silicone tongue is firm, with smooth ridging on one side for texture play. The tip is much thinner so it has a lot more mobility, but no real squish. The neck is flexible and can be almost bent in half.

There are 7 vibration settings, 3 of which are steady speeds. The 4 patterns include long and short pulses, and a pulsing ramp up. I’m generally not a fan of vibration patterns, but they make the Tongue-Gasm’s other function more interesting.

Ultimate Tongue-Gasm’s tip is where the magic happens (a phrase corny enough to suit this thing.) Although its marketing says it “licks” and “laps,” what it actually does is flicker. Specifically, the flexible silicone tip flickers from the force of the vibrations:

Looks weird, feels amazing.

The strangeness of the toy’s tongue wouldn’t be so visually jarring if it wasn’t Frankenstein’d to the weirdest handle of any sex toy I own. The handle is a big, round, heavy thing, uncomfortable to hold and absolutely unsightly to look at. It makes penetration with the Tongue-Gasm awkward. And the toy’s single button is absolutely miniscule in comparison. I can never find it in use, I have to stop and hold the vibrator up to search for it.

Why did you release it like this, Pipedream? The Tongue-Gasm deserved another round of streamlining before mass production. This could be my favorite toy!

the tongue-gasm’s vibrations

Before we get into talking about the flicker, let’s talk about the Ultimate Tongue-Gasm’s vibrations. Because they’re really fucking good.

Vibrations exist on a spectrum, and reviewers try to rate them as either “buzzy” (shallow) or “rumbly” (deep.) I personally prefer vibrations to be deep and thuddy. Even when I’m targeting my clit, rumbly vibrations massage the surrounding flesh and stimulate bloodflow/arousal. Rumbly vibrations reach the internal portions of my clitoris too, which makes my orgasms feel more expansive.

My orgasms with the Ultimate Tongue-Gasm’s rumbly vibrations are definitely expansive. The first speed is mild (to me) but has some middle-sized wand bass. It gets buzzier from there, but with a lot of underlying chugginess/rumble.

The Tongue-Gasm’s top speed (its third setting) is about as strong as the similarly priced Pillow Talk Sassy’s highest setting. It’s just a bit stronger than another budget-friendly peer, the Satisfyer Charming Smile.

It’s no Magic Wand Rechargeable, but it’s got plenty of power for half the price.

Two things to note: The vibrations definitely travel into the handle, which can numb your fingers after awhile. And if you don’t like the flickering tip function, you have to be careful to press/angle the tongue down against your body. If you give the tongue’s flexible end room to move, you’re gonna get a whipping.

the tongue-gasm’s shape and insertion 

Unlike my comparison toys, the Fantasy for Her Ultimate Tongue-Gasm’s unique shape gives me pleasure options beyond the flickering. I can use the smooth side for broad pressure, or the sleekly textured side to rub my vulva and clit. I can press the flexible tip of the tongue firmly against my clit for pinpoint stim. If I turn it, I can cup my clit with the tongue’s curve.

Mixing it up in subtle ways helps me be an active participant in my orgasms, as opposed to passively waiting for the toy to carry me through.

As an insertable, though, this thing sucks. My partner Buster tried to use the Tongue-Gasm vaginally just once, and spent the entire time frowning. The toy’s 3 inch tongue makes for an awkward and ultimately unsatisfying fuck for them. The tip feels stabby and the firm bulb doesn’t provide enough girth. Worst of all is the handle, which gets in the way and throws the whole toy off-balance with its weight.

using the tongue-gasm to flick the bean

I’ve reviewed a flickering tongue before: the Marvelous Flicker from CalExotics. Because of weaker vibrations and how thick and straight the Marvelous Flicker’s tongue is, its flicking has limited range/reach and physical impact. The Tongue-Gasm’s tip thinner, more flexible tip is much more mobile. It whips and gyrates rather than just shivering in place.

If you let it hover (pressing it too firmly against yourself stops it from moving) the fluttering tip will beat the shit out of your junk like a hummingbird with a vendetta. In an as-yet unreleased smut, I described the stimulation as being “like a light bite – the hot-shock of teeth grazing your clit for just an instant – but the sensation just carries on and on.”

The flickering works best when you’re already aroused. My clit can get pretty hard (clitorises get engorged with blood just like penises) and that rigidity helps make the Tongue-Gasm’s stinging stimulation more pleasurable.

If you like intense, targeted stimulation – think tapping fingertips, the Zumio, the Zalo Hero, or a pointy-tipped bullet vibe pressed directly onto your clit – you might like being on the hummingbird’s hit list.

Does it feel like oral sex? If the kind you enjoy includes skillfully applied teeth, maybe? But honestly, no.

what does it all mean

When I realized it was time to write a review for the Her Ultimate Tongue-Gasm, I was filled with apprehension. How the fuck do I write a comprehensive review of this clumsy, half-assed design? There are similarly priced toys that have fully functional and vastly more attractive designs… but I still prefer this stupid thing.

I guess when it comes down to it – haha ugly toy go brrrr!

Get your own weird tongue appendage on a humpty dumpty handle from SheVibe for $80 USD at the time of this posting.

Thank you, SheVibe, for sending me the Pipedream Fantasy for Her Ultimate Tongue-Gasm in exchange for an honest review. 

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