Note: As of 2021, Geeky Sex Toys has closed its doors. Out of respect for their craft and in gratitude of their collaboration, I’m posting this review as-is even though the toy can no longer be purchased.

I’m generally not the kind of nerd who bemoans remakes or riots when franchises don’t ‘stick to what works.’ Without new takes, we wouldn’t have All-New Wolverine, Heath Ledger’s Joker performance, or FF7R. Plus, reimaginings are often more inclusive than originals, and they bring in a new generation of fans. For every jaded jerk loitering around an LCS to complain about Rey, there’s a dozen people on their way to their first convention.

But I’m only human. I have my weaknesses, my hypocrisies. One of them is Hellboy.

The only man to ever play Hellboy is Ron Perlman. Tragically there are only two live action Hellboy movies: Hellboy and Hellboy II: The Golden Army. Both are bangers. Hellboy has not ventured off the comics page since, an unavoidable fate unless Guillermo del Toro and Perlman return.

Anyway! Today I’m reviewing Hellbone: Dildo of Doom from Geeky Sex Toys.

ordering from geeky sex toys

Geeky Sex Toys is an indie studio in Australia that designs and makes all of their toys in-house. Their naughty, nerdy wares are all made of silicone, which – unlike TPE or jelly – is durable, scentless, and body-safe.

Not in Australia? Geeky Sex Toys ships worldwide, and it’s free on orders over $110. I’ve received packages from them both as a customer and as a reviewer, and they’ve always arrived safely in a sturdy and discreet white box. The customs labels say “figurines.” The toys themselves come in fabric drawstring bags.

Shipping times to the US seems to have mostly recovered from the pandemic pile-up, too. This review package was sent out in late March and arrived on April 19th. Pretty prompt for a trip across the globe! (And much prompter than my review queue times this year – yikes!)

hellbone dildo of doom design

The Hellbone is one of Geeky Sex Toys’ limited run toys. There will only ever be 666 in existence, and each one comes with a numbered certificate of authenticity. Mine is #600, and you can bet your ass I’m framing it alongside my Night Kink certificate.

This is not a petite toy. While the average dildo or penis is around 1.5 inches in diameter, the Hellbone suits its inspiration by being a girthy 2 inches wide. Including the balls, it’s 7 inches tall. The toy is pretty firm (GST considers it “medium-soft,” but it’s difficult to bend by hand and has barely any squish, so I’d personally call it medium-firm), which makes it feel even larger in use.

I love the Dildo of Doom design. It’s such a handsome cock! The balls are horns that have been sawed off like Hellboy’s horns, and the chopped bone detailing is awesome. The dick itself is uncut, with the foreskin shaped to look like it’s rolled back under the fat head.

The Hellbone is thick and ramrod straight. Unlike many quasi-realistic toys, the Hellbone’s vein detailing is subtle (except towards the base.) This might disappoint texture lovers, but for folks who prefer a sleek fuck, it’s a bonus.

The wide, sawed-off horn balls make for a bulky but serviceable handhold. They also make the toy anal safe, because they provide a buffer that won’t let the toy be sucked too deep. (All anal toys should have a significantly flared base.) You can technically use the Hellbone in a harness, but it’ll have to accommodate the balls.

I am so delighted with the horn stumps. They’re textured with ‘cracks’ that realistically branch out and look deep even though they’re just lines on the surface. The stumps genuinely look like they’re separate protrusions jutting free from meaty flesh, unevenly severed by a devil who didn’t want to indulge his dark side. It’s beautiful detailing.

The Hellbone Dildo of Doom doesn’t have a suction cup, but you can buy detachable suction cups from other retailers.

our experience with the dildo of doom

The Hellbone offers a different experience than most fantasy/monster dildos (which are often textured but squishy for a unique yet accommodating fuck.) The Hellbone is big, firm, and straight. What it lacks in texture it makes up for in a consistent feeling of unyielding fullness from tip to base. Its sleek, untextured surface means you can thrust quickly – once you’re adjusted to the girth.

My partner Buster (who tests all the dildos for this blog) doesn’t own many medium-firm toys. They generally prefer their toys big and squishy. But soft silicone wouldn’t have suited the towering, muscular half-demon that inspired this design. Rigidity adds to the novelty/fantasy.

Being filled by medium-firm silicone is a totally different experience. The Hellbone presses/massages every reachable inch of their vagina, a constant, filling pressure. But unlike the Tantus Anaconda (which is so hard it could be used as a weapon), the Hellbone does squish a little when clenched/milked – so it’s not an uncomfortable fullness.

Because there’s little discernible tapering to the Hellbone Dildo of Doom’s thick shaft, you’re taking the full 2 inch diameter from the first nudge. Buster prefers to warm up with a slimmer toy first (the Uberrime Essential is a recent favorite) just to make sure they’re aroused and relaxed enough to enjoy. If you already prefer firmer dildos and your collection includes girthy toys, you might not need as much pre-play.

If you, like Buster, want to take advantage of the lack of curve or obtrusive texture and piston this dildo hard and fast – you’ll love the Hellbone.

In use, the Hellbone’s detailing is mostly lost. Buster does notice the transition ridge from head to shaft, and a few of the moles, but it’s otherwise a smooth, featureless fuck. The sawed-off horns occasionally nudge their vulva in certain positions, but I have to go out of my way to angle the toy for them to grind on the base. If we want to wallow in the Hellbone’s devilish details, the best way is to give it a blowjob. Your mouth notices a lot more of the landscape.

final thoughts on the hellbone

Hellbone Dildo of Doom can promise you two things: it’ll always look this good, and it’ll never give up on you. It’s a girthy ramrod of sleek, firm-ish silicone with enough detail to be visually appealing but texturally passive. It’s ideal for users who enjoy an unrelentingly full feeling from their dildos, but not much else.

The Hellbone is limited edition (like the now-retired Night Kink), with only 666 to be sold. My certificate deems it the 600th, so there’s likely not many left before the Hellbone is vaulted. I adore this toy, from its realistic phallus and fantasy details, to its monster erection appropriate density. As is often the case with a Geeky Sex Toys design, I feel personally spoiled that this toy exists. So much so that I purchased a fake can of Hellboy’s favorite beer brand and a real cigar to celebrate.

As it turns out, Hellboy has left the comics pages again since 2008 – except it was only his dick.

If you love Hellboy as much as me, you were probably already sold the moment you saw this handsome design. Maybe you’re just reading this review to build the hype for your inevitable purchase – or you’re after my discount code, which is BETTY for 5% off at checkout. Either way, enjoy!

Thank you, Geeky Sex Toys, for providing the Hellbone Dildo of Doom in exchange for an honest review. 

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