Another installment of Queer Sex Diaries, a series in which I recount recent sexual escapades with my partner Buster.

(Content Notes: Mention of potentially injurious sex toy mishaps.)

I haven’t reviewed many sex toys this year. Many shops haven’t been able to send toys due to the pandemic (which caused a simultaneous surge in sales and reduction of staff for social distancing.) Around the same time, I skipped several months of blogging while dealing with depression and securing my new apartment. New toys would have just been boxed up anyway.

On a Sunday, I receive a large package from SheVibe. It contains 7 toys (with a few additional doubles), making it the largest review box I’ve gotten as a blogger.

My partner and I sit on the couch (yes, I have my own couch to sit on, for the first time in six years) and ferret through the box with glee. Not only is this a new delivery, the contents are all an underexplored toy type: oral sex simulators. Silicone tongues, flicking tips, and suction nozzles, oh my!

It’s fun and delightful, scandalizing our roommate as we dig through the box and held up various be-tongued contraptions. To the unacquainted, sex toys can look a little weird. Sex toys with tongues? Way weirder. After oohing and ahhing, we plug everything in to charge.

While these toys aren’t the first I’ve received this year (shout out to Peepshow Toys, Betty’s Toy Box, and Uberrime), they’re the first new arrivals in my apartment. My mental health is so much better right now, and I have a real bed. (Minus a bedframe. Our bedroom is a WIP.) I’m in a good headspace for toy testing.

When we’re ready, Buster washes our new line-up and sets them on a towel beside our mattress. At my giggling insistence, Buster picks the first toy and we snuggle up in bed so I can watch their face as they try it.

New toys are always an adventure. Even after testing dozens and dozens of toys, we’re often surprised by what works and what doesn’t.

Buster goes with what we both assume is a dud (but hope is a winner.) The nubby-textured tongue wags dispassionately with an irritating mechanical whine. Buster shrugs, situates it against their junk, and immediately gasps.

“You okay?” I ask, thinking of all the butthole-pinching, too-strong suction mishaps of the past two years.

“Yeah,” Buster breathes, wiggling against me. They laugh breathlessly. “It – it actually feels good.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously.”

We make out for awhile, warm and slow and wet. I love feeling them smile against my mouth.

The next toy is less exciting: a bulky, tongue-shaped vibrator. Its tip flickers from the force of its vibrations, but it’s not a true licker. The vibrations themselves feel wonderfully deep and strong against my cunt. I’ll have to test it more to determine if that’s just how horny I am, or if the toy is just that good.

I get distracted and almost come, Buster’s fingers clamping on my nipples.

On to the next, and it’s another tongue-shaped vibe, but long and flexible. I didn’t know it was animated until we unboxed it. I sit up to catch my breath and grab some lube. Once slicked, Buster eases the toy’s length into their pussy and turns it on.

“Oh, I like that,” they murmur, surprised again. “I thought it wouldn’t be strong enough to keep moving inside me, but it’s definitely thrusting.”

We’ve never swapped through so many toys in a single session (except for an unlucky series of dead batteries.) It’s fun to try something so new and weird and then move right on to the next, wet and aching and entirely at the mercy of these unfamiliar experiences. I’ve missed my job so much.

Next is a bulb-shaped thing with a tiny tab for a tongue. We take turns figuring out how best to spread our labia and angle the rapid fluttering, making faces and laughing between half-assed kisses. It’s stingy but good – fuck, so good – or maybe it’s just good to be in our own bed having sex again.

The toy after that is just for Buster. Three tongues, two of them tiny and wiggling and… very much not lining up with Buster’s anatomy. Boo!

I thought we saved the best for last, but sometimes surprises are bad! The toy I’m the most excited for sucks and licks… but mostly it just sucks and sucks and doesn’t let go. After a few horrified seconds in which we each try the thing and then subsequently pry it off, we discard it. It’s a confusing, potentially painful mystery to be solved later.

We grab the insertable tongue again, and I fuck Buster while dirty talking about our mutual appreciation of Venom. (Bang a nerd if you haven’t before, we’re weird as hell.) I have to fuck them slow so they can actually feel the tongue’s steady swaying inside them, the clench of their cunt muscles nearly strangling the motion.

When Buster comes, it’s with their hands on my shoulder and neck and their growled mewls in my mouth.

We usually take turns, but tonight I’m fucking throbbing and there’s no way I’ll be satisfied without coming. I flop out on the bed next to Buster, and they lean over to mouth at my neck and chest. I grab the least unique toy – sometimes less is more – and let its vibrations rumble against my clit until I’m gasping.

Orgasm comes fast, and I laugh all the way through it.

It feels so good to be back.

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