For some folks – myself included – dildos are not just pleasure tools, they’re a conduit for self-expression. Fucking connects me to an oft-elusive sense of peace with my gender, which is fluid and difficult to frame. So when I saw that Tantus had come out with a new dildo christened the They/Them, I was overjoyed to see a crossover between gender expression and pleasure.

There are literally hundreds of sex toys with gendered names, aimed at and catering to cis people. (The whole Fantasy for Her line, the “Man Wand” etc.) Why shouldn’t there be non-fetishizing toys referencing those of us outside the binary?

I often see cisgender bloggers advocating for the complete removal of gendered sex toy names. But while I hate seeing ~FOR HER~ as much as the next salty toy blogger, I don’t think that a genderless landscape is inherently the Most Inclusive. Why do cis folks get all the fawning/affirming marketing and then take their ball and leave as soon as they remember trans people exist?

Ideally, the industry will move past gendering everything they touch. But in the meantime, even if I’m alone in feeling this way, I hope to see more trans-specific titles for toys. We deserve a turn too.

the tantus they/them dildo design

In addition to trying to help normalize they/them pronouns, the They/Them Dildo was envisioned as a “good hard pounding” toy that doesn’t go too deep. It’s made of a softer silicone than Tantus’s classic density. Despite its portliness, it has a slight squish when squeezed. (A little less squish than other supersoft options from Tantus, though.)

The They/Them Dildo is a modestly filling 1.6 inches in diameter, and just 5.5 inches in total length. When the vagina is aroused, the cervix rests around 5 to 7 inches deep. The sigmoid bend (where your rectum becomes the colon) is usually around 7 inches in. The They/Them is too short to bump either of these for most people.

They/Them comes in silver, as well as two of my favorite Tantus colors: punkrock pink and rockabilly blue. The toy has some penis-styled shaping to the head, and a mostly textureless shaft. It has a slim and somewhat narrow flared base. I wish the base was thicker (taller?) like the Super Soft Vamp.

My They/Them Dildo was short some silicone, so the base is flimsier.

our experience with the tantus they/them

Tantus kindly sent me the They/Them way back in 2018, after I tweeted my apprehensive joy. They sent me an updated They/Them a few months later after switching to a firmer silicone density. I’ve included both in my pictures for this review.

Now, I’m definitely part of the target audience for the They/Them Dildo. Not because I’m trans, but because I tend to fuck the hell out of my partner. I can be gentle, but I prefer not to. Whether I’m wearing a strap or fucking by hand, the need to thrust fast and brutal is instinctual. Luckily, I have a partner who likes rough sex too.

The They/Them’s size is good for this, in general. Buster likes some a-spot action and occasional cervix pressing, so they actually find it to be a little short for their personal preferences. But this isn’t an a-spot/cervix toy. It’s meant to be moderately filling and textureless to provide a smooth thrust that doesn’t inadvertently bash anything sensitive. It’s for rough sex that doesn’t leave you wobbly and sore. And it’s good at that.

While the They/Them Dildo is safe for anal, the bluntly round head is basically the same width as the shaft. That means that – unlike Buster’s favorite Tantus plug, the Bronco – there’s no tapered tip to help with inserting the toy. If you’re not used to 1.6-inch as the starting diameter for butt play, you’ll have to warm-up with a smaller toy or several fingers.

Regardless of orifice (and we tested it both vaginally and anally), the They/Them is comfortably filling. It feels bigger than its width (which is only a little girthier than the average penis) yet the silicone’s medium density prevents it from feeling like an unyielding ramrod. Its subtle curve is unobtrusive in either orifice; not pronounced enough for targeted g/p-spot stimulation, but wide enough to rub everything anyway.

The They/Them’s surface is slightly sticky, but isn’t as grippy when slicked with good lube. (If you’re going to use the They/Them for fast thrusts or anal play, consider Sliquid Sassy. It’s thick and water-based but doesn’t feel gooey.)

the they/them dildo and strap-on play

So my only beef with the They/Them is the base. I wish it was fatter. Not wider in diameter, but thicker in height.

The base on the new They/Them Dildo that Tantus sent me was shorted a dollop of silicone or simply cured a little skinny. Silicone is weird, and minor variations are normal. But because the They/Them’s intended base size is functionally adequate and not a hair more, my second They/Them is slightly under functionally adequate. It folds more in my hand, it wants to pop out of strap-on rings when I’m fucking at weird angles, and it makes the toy just slightly shorter than the original.

It does, however, fit perfectly in my thin-bases-only Ardor harness.

My partner and I are fat, so I prefer longer dildos for strap-on use since some of the length is lost to the distance between our bodies. To compensate, we only really use the They/Them when Buster is on top. It makes for a good riding dildo because Buster doesn’t have to worry about sitting down and jabbing their cervix when it’s not that kind of sex.

final thoughts on the tantus they/them

The Tantus They/Them Dildo is a plucky little nugget of silicone. It fills a very specific need – smooth, vigorous fucking without hitting your cervix or sigmoid bend – and does it pretty well.

The subtle penis-inspired shaping is a nice bonus. (Yes, some nonbinary people have penises. Some want penises. Some want to have sex with penises.) I used to prefer my toys abstract to avoid dysphoria. But recently I’ve been coming around to the idea of using more realistic dildos. I certainly like receiving strap blowjobs with them…

My one thumbs down about this toy is that I wish its base had more meat for stability and consistency’s sake.

If you’re looking for a stout, textureless dildo, the They/Them is here for you. Yep, even cis people. The name is just help normalize they/them pronouns to another audience; it doesn’t have to impact how you use or perceive the toy. But fyi, being attracted to nonbinary people is okay too.

You can find the They/Them on Tantus’s own site for $45 USD. It’s also carried by SheVibe under the name Chubby.

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Thank you, Tantus, for sending me the They/Them in exchange for an honest review. Affiliate links were used in this post. Clicking them before making a purchase helps keep my site running.