Happy Star Wars day! May the Fourth be with you, fellow nerdy perverts.

To celebrate the occasion, my partner Buster and I set out to compare some of our favorite Clone Wars characters to the only thing more important than Star Wars: sex toys.

You’ve probably seen threads on Twitter matching famous celebs to visually or spiritually comparable things, like Tessa Thompson and adorable goats. Same principle!

This list isn’t organized or exhaustive. If we left out your favorite character – join the club! Plo and Obi-Wan didn’t even make it on this list. Like, what the fuck?

1. Captain Rex | Uberrime Splendid Dual Density Silicone Dildo 

Betty: Soft over sturdy and capable of getting the job done, the Uberrime Splendid Dual Density Dildo embodies everything that made Captain Rex the best clone to stand at Anakin and Ahsoka’s side. The sapphire-to-pearl fade is a great match for Rex’s personalized armor.

2. Darth Maul | Glas Red Head Glass Double Dildo

Buster: Darth Maul is known for his unmatched skills with the double-bladed light saber. This glass Double Dildo is a sleek, double-ended curve that can leave even the most disciplined Sith writhe while screaming “KENOBIIII!”

3. Senator Padme Amidala | We-Vibe Tango X Bullet

Betty: Like Senator Padme herself, the We-Vibe Tango is compact but wields some serious power. The Tango stands resolute and unyielding with a hard plastic body, sloped tip, and deeply rumbling vibrations that have made it a fan favorite. It’s essentially sex toy royalty… but it got there by popular vote.

4. General Grevious | Extreme Talon Nipple Clamps

Betty: Facing down Grevious’s four stolen lightsabers and massive talon-clawed feet isn’t for the faint of heart (or the Force.) The Extreme Talon Nipple Clamps are sure to induce the same level of terror if they’re between you and the closest escape pod. Hopefully they don’t like to keep trophies like the General does.

5. Duchess Satine Kryze | Crystal Delights Clear Twist Glass Dildo 

Betty: Satine is cool and unyielding in her pursuit of peace. The Clear Twist Glass Dildo is cool and unyielding in its pursuit of your pleasure. Twist this dildo in use to take advantage of its unique rippling, its base topped off with a glittering Swarovski crystal fit for a duchess of Mandalore.

6. Count Dooku | Njoy Pure Wand Steel Dildo

Buster: Polished, sophisticated, and not for a novice hand, the Njoy Pure Wand is the perfect toy comparison to a seasoned Sith lord like Count Dooku – and the curve-handled saber he holds. Its unyielding shaft requires quite a bit of training to master, but once you’ve figured it out, the power you wield will turn any Master Jedi to the dark side.

7. Arc Trooper Fives | Arcwave Ion Penis Masturbator 

Betty: Feisty, daring, rebellious – Fives isn’t afraid of being unique. Like the arc trooper, the Arc Wave Ion is one of a kind: instead of a squishy-soft stroker or vibrating penis wand, the Ion utilizes air pulse technology to stimulate the user. It’s definitely onto something…

8. Master Shaak Ti | Zalo Versailles Marie G-Spot Vibrator

Betty: Refined and tastefully ornamented, the Versailles Marie Vibrator is a spiritual match for Jedi Master Shaak Ti. Ti tried to emphasize the importance of collaboration to the squads she tutored, and the Marie’s app allows you to pursue pleasure with a partner, whether near or far.

9. R2-D2 | Magic Wand Corded Vibrator

Buster: R2-D2 and the Hitachi Magic Wand have a lot of important things in common (besides than their color scheme.) They’re both resilient, capable of getting the job done solo, and have persevered as a fan favorite through the ages. But while it’s a noisy machine, the Magic Wand doesn’t have a distinctive scream like R2.

10. Commander Fox | Kink Stinger Electro-Play Wand

Buster: With the the Stinger Wand you can keep your partner(s) in line as efficiently as Commander Fox does his prisoners. This simply designed wand packs enough of a pinchy punch to keep shinies (or the occasional rebellious Jedi) from even considering toeing the line with you.

11. Asajj Ventress | Womanizer Duo Air Pulsation & G-Spot Vibrator

Betty: Ventress is ruthlessly effective at dual wielding – and so is the Womanizer Duo. Strong vibrations in the shaft are paired with toe-curling air pulsation in the clitoral stimulator. It will see its mission through, no matter the cost… in this case literally, since it’s over $200.

12. Wrecker | Uberrime Uberron Giant Silicone Dildo

Betty: Large, brutal, but a softie at heart, Wrecker’s got a match in the Uberron, a massive, super soft silicone dildo from indie studio Uberrime. At nearly twice as wide as the average-sized dildo, the Uberron is for experienced handlers only. Yeah!!!

13. Bo-Katan Kryze | b-Vibe Vibrating Snug Plug

Buster: Bo-Katan is a badass with a very busy schedule that includes everything from planning a seige to reclaim her home planet, to hunting down the Dark Saber. The Snug Plug is an ideal companion toy for such lengthy voyages through the galaxy, because having a thin neck makes it a filling but comfortable fit.

14. Master Aayla Secura | Strap-On-Me Curious O-Ring Harness

Betty: General Aayla is adventurous and confident, an attitude most of us would like to embody when donning a harness. While a brighter color than Aayla’s similarly shaped Rylothian head wrap, the Curious O-Ring Harness is equally straightforward in design.

15. Commander Cody | Liberator Zappa Sex Toy Storage Bag

Buster: The Zappa Toy Bag might not be as combat savvy as Commander Cody, but it’s just as reliable when it comes to helping you prepare for a battle (between the sheets.) This storage bag is perfect for any Jedi Master (*cough* Obi-Wan *cough*) who keeps misplacing their lightsabers.

16. Cad Bane | The Realm Draken Silicone Dildo

Betty: Cad Bane is a callous bounty hunter, all business and glory and no compassion. The Draken Dragon Dildo is a firm, ultra-textured dildo that dares you to go for a ride on… on its terms, not yours. Pairing it with the the Realm handle turns it into a weapon, a fitting feature for a versatile baddie.

17. Sergeant Hunter | Boneyard Spank Silicone Slapper Paddle

Buster: Hunter is a leader, but he doesn’t always follows the rules. Whether you’re keeping your squad on their toes or breaking some rules to get kinky, the super hefty Boneyard Paddle is a good tool to have. It’ll leave plenty of marks to match Hunter’s face tattoo.

18. Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker | Tantus Magma Textured Silicone Dildo

I HATE YOU… for making this joke.

Love Star Wars but the toys on this list aren’t hitting your thermal exhaust port? Geeky Sex Toys has more overtly Star Wars fuckables.

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