Happy Halloween, sex positive pals!

While it’s not quite time to don your (hopefully not racist) costumes, it’s never too early to deck the halls with spiderwebs and motion-sensitive nasties – and it’s never the wrong time to bring Halloween into the bedroom. From monstrous dildos to frightfully fun bondage, there are plenty of tricksy treats for adults to be found… and you don’t even have to leave the house to get them!

Here’s a bunch of body-safe, Halloween-themed sex toys you can buy online 🎃

Geeky Sex Toys (Various, $30-$85 USD)

If you’re looking for Halloween-specific gear, Geeky Sex Toys has an entire line of toys that are both spooky and sweet. The collection includes a paddle modeled after a headstone, a cockring skull, and a jackolantern butt plug – but the bagful of treats doesn’t stop there! Geeky Sex Toys also carries a Jack’o’Lantern ballgag that’s perfect for a partner that sneaks all the good candy behind your back, leaving you nothing but Fireballs and a burning desire for (consensual, negotiated) revenge.

Check out the full trove of goodies, and take your pick. If you don’t make an order in time for the holiday, don’t break into a cold sweat, my ghoul! These toys are permanent fixtures in the Geek Sex Toy shop.

(And? You can get 5% off your order with my discount code: betty)

Orange Sex Toys (Various, $24-110 USD)

If asked what colors best represent Halloween, most people would probably answer: orange and black. Rightly so! But while black sex toys are easy to find, orange is a rarer color. In fact, most colors outside of pink, purple, and black, are an anomaly.

Lucky for those of us who want to make the naughtier contents of our nightstand drawer seasonally appropriate, “rare” doesn’t mean there’s not numerous options. Orange cock rings, self-thrusting rabbit vibes, and dual density dildos are just waiting to bring the vibrant hue of pumpkins to your sex life.

To make your browsing easier, I’ve assembled a list:

Split Peaches Unicandy Horns ($43-$120 USD)

Every October, the internet returns to the same debate: is candy corn the most hallowed taste on earth, or is it the devil’s plasticy poison? I’m of the former camp, but I’ve always enjoyed the polarizing hot takes that spin out of Halloween candy discourse. Should I go to jail for a hundred years for the crime of thinking candy corn is often better than chocolate? Half of you reading this certainly think so!

This year I’m pleased to see there’s a way for candy corn aficionados like myself to celebrate our superior taste buds with equally yummy orgasms: the Unicandy Horns from Split Peaches. Made in silicone described as smooth and soft, these controversially delicious looking horns are sure to be almost as fun as the strangely aggressive candycorn memes that crop up on social media this month. And they come in three sizes: Small, Medium, and Large.

Lust Arts Monsters (Various, $35-$145 USD)

Speaking of unicorn horns, there’s a fantastic indie studio that churns out several Halloween-appropriate dildo designs: Lust Arts. There’s their take on the Unicorn Horn, as well as Frank’s Monster (which I recently reviewed with appropriate levels of swooning), the Mermaid, and the Lust Burster. Whether you’re super spooky or just a little into spoop, their breath-takingly detailed toys are sure to suit your needs for the season and beyond.

Best of all, Lust Arts offers the ability to choose your toy’s size, density, and colors. It’s not a trick, you can really choose your own treat! Especially terrifying is the option to have the Lust Burster colored with blood splatters, as though it went straight from chest-bursting to orifice-pleasing… and isn’t that what Halloween is all about?

Candy Corn Buttplug ($36-$110)

Funkit Toys is on the correct side of the candy corn debate. But it’s not just lip service: Funkit’s got an October exclusive to prove it!

Available in 3 sizes (Smole, Large, and Huge), the Funkit Toys Candy Corn Buttplug is more authentically modeled than other candy corn sex toys. Like the controversial treat itself, the Candy Corn Buttplug is sleek, narrow, and triangular. Its stripes are wide and boldly colored. And its base is t-shaped, for a more comfortable fit between your cheeks.

Unlike other toys on this list, the Candy Corn Buttplug is only available for the spooky season – if you miss out on stuffing your pillowcase with this handsome treat, you’ll have to wait until next year to come knockin’ on Funkit Toys’ door.

Glow in the Dark Sex Toys (Various, $24-110 USD)

I’m a fan of glow-in-the-dark goods. There’s something delightfully playful about wielding a self-illuminating dildo or green-lined paddle in the dark. Just try to stop the giggles when your junk is glowing – you can’t! So much of being a grown-up is dreary… it’s nice to recapture the childhood glee of having plastic stars on your ceiling or mini dinosaurs under your pillow. Sharing in the nostalgia with adult partner(s) and incorporating it into sex is just one of many ways to lighten the mood and celebrate the season of spooky dancing skeletons and cute ghost window clings.

Plus, if your sex routine includes midnight romps, it’s easier to keep track of your toys in the dark.

The Calaveras Skull and Spine Glow in the Dark Dildo ($??? USD)

(Note: 2021’s version has not yet been released.)

Perhaps you’re less into the natural elegance of autumn and more into the skeletal spirit of fall. Maybe you’re just looking to get boned. For the more ghastly-inclined of Halloween hauntery, there’s the Calaveras Skull and Spine from Uberrime, a wicked dildo that can double as holiday-appropriate decor. Most importantly, this Skull and Spine Dildo glows in the dark, which is sure to add spooky ambiance to any hallowed night… It’s only a temporary guest in Uberrime’s stock, so be sure to order soon!

But even if a good skull fuck isn’t your thing, Uberrime can make your wildest color combination feverdreams come true. Peruse the shop, choose a design from the many available (the Splendid Gentleman – which you can also snag from Peepshow Toys in a preset color – more than earns its name), and shoot Uberrime an email with some spooky references.

🎃

Affiliate links were used in this post for select retailers.