Bob the Alien Discreet Vibrator is a kitschy creation from Boutique Voila, a Velvet Thruster brand dedicated to fun and nerdy sex toy designs. They sent it to me for review!

Bob doesn’t look like a sex toy. It sits on my desk most days, long finger extended as if to chide me for ignoring my inbox. A funky figurine to add some whimsy to my space.

For many folks, that’s Bob the Alien Vibrator’s main appeal. It’s a sex toy hidden in plain sight.

bob the alien design and features

I consider being rechargeable and waterproof the bare minimum for modern vibes, but many don’t meet this standard. Bob the Alien does! (As made obvious by the fact that I took it for a dip in the pool.)

Bob the Alien Vibrator is bigger than I initially expected it to be. This fella is over 5 inches tall and has a bulbous head bigger than a golfball. The only reason it doesn’t tip right over is because it has wide, flipper-like feet.

I like the classic alien design chosen for Bob (it brings me back to my Lisa Frank childhood), but I think not giving Bob a booty was a serious missed opportunity!

Bob is made of firm silicone with a soft, almost powdery finish in day-glow green. At some angles, there’s a shadow to the green silicone, like maybe the internal mechanisms are closer to the surface. Delightfully, this discreet vibrator glows in the dark. Like every ceiling star or plastic critter we had as kids, it glows best and longest if you give it a few hours in the sunlight or under a lamp. But if you forget, a few minutes directly next to a bulb gives Bob a vibrant, ghostly green glow that’ll last through play.

You get 10 total vibration settings. Only 3 are steady speeds, and the rest are patterns. (We aren’t big on patterns in this house.) Bob has just one button, so if you forget what speed you’re on and click too high, you’ll have to click through all the settings to start over.

Charging Bob isn’t totally streamlined. The charge cord is magnetic, but it doesn’t fit the toy as well as I’d like. You have to angle it so the magnets connect correctly and the cord doesn’t get jostled and pull free. But it’s still better than a pin charger!

If aliens don’t fit your preferred sense of whimsy, Boutique Voila has numerous fuckable keepsakes. Including an oversized Lipstick Travel Vibe and a Tennis Ball Stroker.

Less cute is the sprinkle of unnecessarily gendered language (like “toys for women”) around the site itself. So much care and creativity went into the toy designs; it’s a shame the phrasing is dated.

my experience with alien bob

To be honest, I don’t feel like Bob’s design was optimized for sexual pleasure. Like the Princette Puppypus from Cute Little Fuckers, Bob is a cute tchotchke first and a pleasure product second… and it’s only a pleasure product because it has a vibrator.

The most intuitive part of Bob’s body to use against your clitoris (or other external genitalia) is the bulbous head. I have thick outer labia that I have to spread to get Bob anywhere near my clit. Because Bob has such a big head, it’s a less comfortable fit than even the fullsize g-spot vibes I sometimes use externally. If your clitoris is exposed/protruding, you won’t need as much finagling.

Unfortunately, the vibrations don’t travel strongly enough in the extended hand or flipper feet to use those parts of Bob instead.

Bob the Alien Vibrator’s vibrations aren’t my favorite. They aren’t weak (although there’s not much demonstrable difference between the 3 steady speeds: the motor gets louder but the vibes stay about the same.) I’d compare Bob to your average budget bullet. The vibrations are technically stronger than Princette Puppypus’s, but Bob is larger and the vibes are spread across a broader surface. You don’t get the same targeted intensity.

But it’s not the lack of power that bums me out about this discreet vibrator. It’s that the vibrations hover more on the buzzy end of the buzz-to-rumble spectrum. They mostly tremble along the surface of your skin, tickling and sometimes outright itchy. Sensitivity to buzz varies, though; if you don’t find yourself flinching at battery-powered bullets, you might not be as particular as me.

The vibrations aren’t very loud, but because they’re buzzy they have that distinct beehive pitchiness that can be ear-catching at the highest speed. Maybe pull Men in Black up on Spotify?

the real reason you should buy bob

Ahem:

I get stressed out a lot when I’m working. (Autism and full time work – even from home – is not a great mix!) Turning Bob the Alien on and making it slow motion dance on my desk is a great way to remind myself my job is funny and wonderful and weird.

There’s also the fact that this plucky little doodad glows in the dark. When I venture back into my office in the middle of the night (which happens way too often), Bob’s soft glow is waiting. And its vibrations might not be my favorite, but I’m not so picky that I won’t squeeze Bob’s head between my thighs while I catch up on emails. Boxers muffle some of the buzziness.

final thoughts on bob

In a perfect world even gag gift vibrators from small brands would provide We-Vibe Tango level vibrations. But then they’d cost three times as much and would no longer be a cheap, fun purchase for bestie birthdays, bachelorette parties, or as novelty décor.

For me, Bob the Alien isn’t out-of-this-world as described; it’s a truly thinking-outside-the-box design, but it doesn’t pass muster as a serious sex tool. At most, this discreet vibrator is just the backup you keep on your bedside table. Or maybe it’s something gifted to a friend, intended to rouse more giggles than orgasms. A memento you can technically masturbate with, but probably won’t be a first (or second) choice.

That being said, I can’t bring my Tango to the pool. But I can bring Bob.

If Bob the Alien Vibrator sounds like the tchotchke for you, find it on Boutique Voila!

Thank you, Velvet Thruster, for sending me Bob the Alien Discreet Vibrator in exchange for an honest review.

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