It’s been weird getting back into the front-facing part of blogging. Answering emails that have been gathering digital dust for weeks. Peeking at Twitter. Trying to find the time (and the social spoons) to send pitches, answer friends, and make plans for the future.

I’ve taken a lot of unplanned breaks since I started blogging in 2018. I should have known before launching my site that this would be the case. When I worked in retail and food in my 20’s, I had an autistic burnout every few months. The weight of day to day functioning and performing socially would eventually push my brain and body to call it quits.

But to this day autistic burnout still takes me by surprise. Words are suddenly harder to form. Deadlines get missed because I can’t wake up. Reviews aren’t written because I can’t tolerate acute sensory experiences. Depression overwhelms me. I sink into myself for weeks, sometimes months.

I took a lot longer coming back this time. Partly because my dog dying after this godawful year put me on some existential shit beyond just depression, partly because my computer died, and partly because I just wanted to be better first. I took longer so I came back as myself, fully. Unsurprisingly (with hindsight), I feel stable this time. More motivated and self-assured.

Turns out taking time to recover… helps you recover. What a concept!

But, still, it’s weird. Blogging is a run-away train that you’re constantly trying to keep on track. No matter how many times I bail from burnout, it’s like I never left. The train is still racing when I jump back on. Granted, I don’t (and can’t) care about numbers, and I work with some very patient and forgiving people (shout out to SheVibe, Peepshow Toys, Uberrime, and Geeky Sex Toys.) So maybe an easy return isn’t the average blogger’s experience. But I feel like after my cringing apologies are made and my backlog is queued, I’m back on track. And “back on track” is always just trying to stay on track.

It’s weird because unlike other jobs, I can just come back. The momentum hasn’t been lost in any significant way. There’s always new toys to review, new peers to greet, and new projects to tackle. The foundation I’ve spent four years building is stable enough to withstand my absence, I guess. And I’m incredibly lucky.

During particularly bad times, I wonder if I’m too autistic to be a blogger. There’s so much about this job that I’m not equipped for.

You need social skills to build and maintain relationships with companies and peers. (But I’m a chronic oversharer and overexplainer, I struggle to comprehend others’ tones/intentions, and when I’m not feeling good, my social spoons are the first to evaporate.) You have to be able to learn independently and on-the-fly. (But even a comprehensive sex blogging class can’t prepare someone like me for the intricacies of running a website or using social media platforms for self-promotion. I spend so much time just trying to isolate a problem and articulate it into googleable words…) I don’t have the capacity to prioritize important tasks, manage my time, or pace my workflow so that I’m consistently productive. All key to running a blog successfully (whatever that means.) For neurotypical folks, the answer to work burnout is to take smaller bites. But every bite is a big bite for me. Choking is inevitable.

So, I wonder. Am I too autistic for this?

But then I come back, and the train is still there. All my dusty emails and Twitter mentions get answered. I edit and post all the things I wrote while I was on hiatus. I send out a newsletter. I buy photo props for upcoming reviews and read a blogging peer’s new book. I think about the future, and it always has this blog in it.

It’s weird, being back. Because even though I’m not the ideal person for this job, this job is ideal for my person.

I missed it so much.

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