Welcome to 2018, where the binary’s made up, and gender doesn’t matter!

No, seriously.

It honestly floors me that sex shops – especially those of you that claim to be feminist/progressive – still use gendered language to categorize and describe products. From sorting toys into “his” and “hers” sections like you’re selling ugly decorative towels to unhappy straight people in the suburbs, to threading gendered suggestions into item descriptions (stop telling me to “drive her wild,” there’s not always someone with those pronouns in my bed, Sharon), sex shops just love reinforcing the exact same societal systems that restrict them too. Who cares about dismantling harmful misconceptions about who can use sex toys when you can instead just continue to limit your own market and alienate trans people, am I right y’all?

You can’t sort people’s pleasure into two categories. Even if you’re intentionally ignoring trans folks (and fuck you if you are), limiting certain toys to just “male” or “female” use is ridiculous. People of varying genital configurations masturbate with all manner of bizarre household objects. Think about it. You’ve seen those headtilt-inducing lists on Buzzfeed. So telling someone with a penis that a bullet vibe isn’t meant for them is nonsense. If you don’t want them to assume they can put it in their butt, just put “not anal safe” in the description. Besides, people with vaginas need to be told that too – they also have butts they can unthinkingly stuff with things that don’t have flared bases.

Notice how those last three sentences didn’t slap a gender on toys or anatomy? See how easy that was?

Okay, maybe you don’t mean to needlessly gender your shop. Maybe you’ve never thought about it before. Maybe you just don’t know where to start. Maybe you already have five tabs open on your browser and two of them are, like, really funny cat videos you haven’t watched yet, so you can’t open another tab to use google. That’s fine. I get it.

I’m going to give you 5 Ways to Make Your Sex Shop More Gender Inclusive, so you can stop doing this shit.

This first step is the longest, so pause that Can’t Hug Every Cat remix, grab a bag of Doritos, and let’s get into it.

STEP ONE:

GET RID OF GENDERED CATEGORIES.

Not too long ago, there was an internet kerfuffle about Lady Doritos, the idea of doritos marketed for women because the crunch is less noisy and there’s less cheesy residue. People were rightfully pissed. Women are expected to shut up and be pleasingly tidy even when they’re eating a fucking snack? Ridiculous.

But I see dildos categorized as “women’s toys” on plenty of sites. I see toys for penises sorted under “male masturbators.” This labeling also tells a woman what she should be and what she should buy. She should be cisgender (identifying as the gender assigned at birth), and she should buy penetrative toys. Ridiculous.

There are plenty of women with penises. And men with vaginas. And nonbinary (identifying outside of the man/woman binary) folks with all kinds of junk. And intersex folks of various gender identities whose junk is sometimes atypical. And folks of various genders whose junk is atypical due various medical conditions. There are cis men who enjoy wand vibrators, and trans women who enjoy penis sleeves, and nonbinary folks who use strap-ons on cis partners and vice versa, and intersex folks who enjoy packers.

You don’t know what your customer’s identity and pronouns are. You don’t know what your customer’s junk looks like. Why do you think you know what they want to buy? Gendered categories tell customers who you think they should be, and what you think they should spend their money on. It preemptively univites anyone who does not fit that narrative. And that’s just as fucking ridiculous as lady doritos.

So what can you do?

Think about what you’re actually trying to communicate.

This is a dildo. Can this dildo be used by men? Yes! If your instinct was to say no, what you actually mean by no is that it can’t be used anally because it doesn’t have a flared base. Transgender men have vaginas (unless they’ve had gender affirming surgery, which plenty of trans folks don’t want or can’t have) so they can safely use this dildo. Furthermore, trans women who don’t have vaginas can’t safely use this dildo. So placing this dildo in a “Women’s” or “For Her” category in your shop isn’t actually telling customers who it’s for and where it goes, because this dildo isn’t suitable for all women, and some men and nonbinary people can use it too.

This is a cockring. Can this cockring be used by someone with she/her pronouns, or who identifies as a woman? Yes! Trans women are women and often use she/her pronouns, and trans women often have penises. (Though not everyone who uses she/her pronouns is a woman, and some trans women have had gender affirming surgeries.) So why did you put this cockring in a “Men’s” or “For Him” section? Were you just trying to direct the attention of customers with certain genitals? Then maybe you should rename that category “Penis Toys.”

This is a prostate toy. Can this prostate toy be used by a nonbinary person? Yes! Nonbinary people use all kinds of pronouns and have all kinds of junk. Some of them have prostates, and some of them do not. They aren’t men, so toys they use aren’t “Men’s Toys,” and they don’t all use he/him pronouns so their category of toys isn’t “For Him” either. When you use gendered language, you not only alienate customers who don’t have the genitals you think they have, you also alienate customers who don’t identify within the gender binary.

So to recap: Are you using pronouns or gender labels to categorize types of toys or to inform customers what genitals they’re used for? You’re not actually doing that! All you’re doing is making gendered assumptions about your customers. Instead, try the following:

Take out pronouns.

• Vibrators for Her can become just Vibrators.
• Instead of labeling a vibrator with a flared base a Vibrator for Him, just categorize it as an anal toy!
• Shopping sections like For Him and For Her can be broken down into inclusive and more understandable categories like Vibrators, Dildos, Clitoral Toys, Penis Toys, Butt Toys, etc.

Take out genders.

• There’s no such thing as women’s/female toys or men’s/male toys. There are things like Vibrators, Dildos, Penis Toys, Strap-Ons.
• Male Masturbators can become Penis Sleeves. Men’s Anal Toys can become Prostate Toys.
• Stop grouping things like strap-ons, nipple toys, and wand vibrators as women’s toys. These can all be used by cis men too, so even if you’re purposefully excluding trans folks, like, why gender these toys? (Also fuck off.)

Take a hint from shops that are already inclusive.

Even if they weren’t both amazing for other reasons, SheVibe and Peepshow Toys would still be two of my absolute favorite online sex toy shops because of their inclusive toy categorizing. Neither of them need to use gendered language to help a customer understand their inventory.

SheVibe sorts their vibrating toys by design rather than gender. This – combined with their infamously charming illustrations – helps shoppers discern if different vibrator categories are going to be generally/theoretically/ideally compatible with their junk.

Peepshow Toys lists their butt toys according to function rather than gender. This allows people who have a prostate to look at prostate-targeting anal toys, but still leaves the category of butt toys open for all shoppers.

If you’re afraid customers might misunderstand a toy’s use, tell them how it’s used.

You can do this in the description, or by marking toys as safe or not safe for certain uses (like anal.) You should be doing this regardless, because there are first time and/or uneducated shoppers browsing your store every day. Do you know how many times my partner and I have almost lost a toy up our butts because we’d never even heard about flared bases? Lots. Do you know who immediately went to Tantus and spent over $100 on toys with flared bases after we learned about them? Us. It can benefit both your eternal soul (if you believe in that sort of thing, I guess) and your bank account to be informative for customers.

STEP TWO:

REMOVE (OR MODIFY) “COUPLES” CATEGORIES THAT CENTER ON STRAIGHT, CISGENDER PEOPLE.

I have news for you, Sharon! Not all couples are a woman with a vagina and a man with a penis. Some couples are a nonbinary person with a penis and a man with a penis. Some couples are a trans man with a penis from gender affirming surgery and a woman with a vagina. Some couples are a woman with a vagina and another woman with a vagina that is atypical due to a medication condition. There are literally limitless combinations of genders/genitals because people are limitless. And some “couples” aren’t a two-person combo at all because not all people in relationships are monogamously duo’d. There are a lot of people you alienate every time you make a couples category and fill it with nothing but vibrating rings for straight cis couples.

All sex toys can be used as a “couple’s toy.” Penis-in-vagina sex is not the entire sexual experience even for straight cis couples, so limiting the scope of what toys are worthy of use with a partner to “things that can be used during PIV penetration” is foolish. Sex shops should seek to dismantle this unnecessary categorizing, both for their shoppers’ benefit and their own: if you expand a person’s perception of what kinds of toys they can use for partnered sex, you expand a person’s shopping list.

If you won’t redistribute your couples’ category entirely, at least consider adding toys that suit different kinds of couples. Strap-ons (including ones that accommodate penises), double-ended dildos, safe sex including dental dams, etc. Don’t overcompensate by making a “Gay Couples Toys” section either, or you’ll embarrass yourself, like Lovehoney’s truly ridiculously named “Gay Ass Toys” section. (Sex toys don’t have a sexual orientation either, Sharon. They’re inanimate objects.) To be polyam-inclusive, consider taking after Peepshow Toys’ wonderfully named “Plays Well With Others” section, which both eliminates the assumption of two users and lets queer couples know it’s probably not just centered on straight cis couples like they’ve seen under Couples on a hundred other sites.

STEP THREE:

Change the language of your products and your promotions.

While removing gendered categories from your store is a great first step, if that’s all you do to make non-straight, non-cisgender customers feel welcome, you’re essentially opening the door for a guest and then just standing there expectantly without saying or doing anything else. Hosting guests requires a little more effort than just inviting them to show up.

This step takes a lot more work and the work is continuous. You need to look beyond your category names and direct your attention to the stock itself: are all the titles and descriptions of your items inclusive? Does that vibrator promise to “give her the best orgasm she’s ever had”? Does that penis pump claim it’ll “keep him rock-hard”? We’ve been over this already, Sharon! And even if it was the manufacturer’s suggestion to use those descriptions, this is your store and these are your customers. Which means it’s your responsibility to do right by them. Take the time to change the captions on all your items.

And then get your blog and social media shit together, Sharon, it’s 2018. You can do better than sharing sexist, heteronormative Facebook memes about steak and blowjobs.

Stop sending me emails telling me you have something new to help me please my man. My “man” has no use for your cock and ball toys, and also, I don’t need “help” and you don’t need to prey on feelings of inadequacy and obligation to sell products. Stop only tweeting pictures of white straight cis couples in bed with captions like “try something new in your relationship!” I’ve already tried pretending to be straight and cis and it sucked, I don’t think it’s gonna do anything for my relationship. Oh, the thing you wanted me to try was a new toy? Well why didn’t you just show me the toy?

So how can you do better going forward?

Remove gendered language everywhere in your store, not just the category names.

Whether it’s the inclusion of pronouns to talk about the user or the use of phrases like “women love vibrations,” gendered language serves no purpose in describing a sex toy, just like gendered language fails to actually tell customers where a toy goes and how it’s used.

Diversify your images.

• Choose pictures for your social media and blog posts that feature folks who aren’t straight and cis. (And no, occasionally throwing in a pair of thin, white, feminine-presenting women kissing in lingerie isn’t actually being queer-friendly.) (And also no, sharing offensive fanart of heavily sexualized characters with massive breasts and penises isn’t being trans-friendly either.)
• If you must use gendered or couple-centric language for promotion, at least switch the accompanying imagery up sometimes. Feature a gay couple when you use lines that talk about someone’s male partner. Show androgynous folks when you talk about spicing things up in a marriage. Use pictures with three or more people happily entangled for more than just titillating lines about one night threesomes.
• If you post (hopefully not stolen) pictures of sex workers, include trans sex workers! I see plenty of tweets about cis porn stars from sex toy shops, it takes the exact same amount of effort to tweet about an openly trans porn star. And you don’t have to sensationalize it.
• You don’t have to sensationalize it. Inclusion can be done without fanfare. Leave the parades to us.
• If you post those lame memes for every holiday under the sun, celebrate queer and trans holidays too. You’ll notice a lot of them are sad. That’s our reality. You help can make our reality better by acknowledging those days, but also by celebrating us. Regularly share articles and/or post about queer and trans accomplishments and milestones (not just gay marriage, for fuck’s sake), or pioneers both in and outside of the sex industry.

Diversify your messages.

• If you’re writing a blog post about lube, you don’t need to assign gender to your readers or onto the sex acts you’re describing. You can talk about anal penetration without giving the butt a gender; you can even talk about prostates (“if your partner has a prostate”/“partners with prostates”) without gendering them either. You can talk about vaginal lubrication without talking about “reducing friction for her.” You can reference specific sex toys like strap-ons without implying you know what gender and genitals the reader has.

• 

  Include queer and trans people in your marketing. You probably already center on straight cis people without even realizing. Look at your recent posts and see where you could have purposefully changed your phrasing to talk about a queer couple instead. Next time, do that. And keep doing it as often as you reference straight people.

• Share articles and reviews written by and/or including trans people. Quote pieces that have inclusive language and share it, just like you would a line like “good boyfriends buy their girlfriends a g-spotter!” (as though that line is at all worthy of posting, which it is not.)
• You’re going to get trolls. I imagine people already respond to your social media posts with trolling, offensive messages, so this is nothing new. Block these people, or (if you’re educated on the subject and comfortable doing so) explain to them why they’re disgusting transphobic cockroaches.
• And if you’re not educated, get educated! Watch Laverne Cox’s documentary The T Word. Read Ash Hardell’s book The ABC’s of LGBT+. Subscribe to Them, Riley J Dennis, Kat Blaque, Jammidodger and Uppercase Chase on Youtube. Follow trans people on social media and pay attention to trans activism! Google this shit, Sharon! Learn something!

STEP FOUR:

Carry more products with gender-neutral designs and packaging, and carry gender affirmation products.

Do you remember the Lady Doritos we talked about at the beginning of all this? How it was very obviously obnoxious and sexist to market some chips as being just for women, especially when their only women-appealing traits seemed to be that they could help women be extra quiet and clean compared to noisy, messy chip-munching men? Believe it or not, Sharon, lots of customers feel the same disdain for bright pink vibrators and gunmetal masturbators. There’s nothing necessarily wrong with pink vibrators and gunmetal masturbators, just like there’s nothing necessarily wrong with quieter, cleaner chips – but there is something wrong with assuming the best way to market something is to fall back on cisgender-targeting, capitalism-fabricated bullshit like flowers and uuuuuniiiiiicorns~ for ladies and objectified boobies and STEELANDPAIN for dudes.

As we’ve previously discussed, you don’t know the gender identities of the customers buying your toys – but even if you did, that doesn’t tell you anything else about them, like their aesthetic preferences. If I could buy every toy in mint, neon green, or yellow, I’d be a happy camper; instead, I’m often only offered pink, purple, and (maybe) bright blue. There are so many design elements of a toy that also wind up unnecessarily gendered – yes, pink polka dots and heart-shaped bases aren’t only “for girls,” but I highly doubt most manufacturers have gender equality and pink-loving folks who aren’t cis women in mind when they’re producing the bajillionth pink dong on the market.

And damn, do manufacturers overall not give a shit. A vast majority of packaging I see features either a cis woman or a straight cis couple; I’ve purchased gags that prominently featured a straight cis couple on the box. Gags! The things that go in your mouth. Any mouth. Of any person of any gender of any sexuality. Why are straight cis people being used to market a gag? If it’s not roses (or the more millennial-hip daisies), it’s generic storebrand Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele looking rich and white and photoshopped like blandly kinky After photos.

Demand better from the manufacturers you work with. Let them know you’d like packaging that doesn’t sell being white, thin, able, cisgender, and straight more than it sells the toy that’s in the box. Let them know you’re interested in carrying some toys outside of the pink/purple and black/grey color model. But also let them know you want pink cockrings with bows and masturbation sleeves with heart-shaped bases, dark blue dildos in non-phallic shapes and g-spot targeting vibrators in black and grey. Demand more promotional pictures that feature diverse models and include queer couples.

And in the mean time, try to diversify your shelves with toys and packaging that are gender-neutral. There are plenty out there. Learn to notice them, and then give them prime placement and promotion in your store and on social media so that your customers can notice them too. Let the manufacturers of these toys know that part of the reason you’ve chosen to stock them is their gender-neutral approach. Subtweet other manufacturers on social media by making posts like “looking for something besides pink? this toy might be for you!” when promoting gender neutral products. Make being as gender-neutral as possible part of your brand.

In addition to stocking toys that are neutral, bulk up your selection of gender expression / gender-affirming products. Packers, breast forms, ejaculating dildos, padding wear, dilators, gaffs, binders, strap-ons that aren’t femininely styled, lingerie that accommodates penises and flat chests, masculine wear that accommodates pronounced chests, masturbation sleeves for trans men and nonbinary folks, etc. If you sell merch like patches, pins, t-shirts, bags, whatever, consider carrying trans and queer inclusive designs and messages. Promote these products! Put them on sale sometimes! Look for trans bloggers and social media influencers to do mutually promotional giveaways so you can get the word out that you carry these products and want trans customers!

Which brings me to our last step…

STEP FIVE:

WORK WITH TRANS PEOPLE AND PAY THEM, SHARON.

Sponsor posts on their blog. Pay them to write for your blog. Invite them to join your affiliate program. Ask if they’d like to be sent sex toys to review. Hire them to do your social media. Suggest doing a giveaway together. Hire them to model your products. Support their businesses. Buy their products to carry in your stores. Reach out to them, don’t wait for them to come to you. This industry spends its time either ignoring and erasing trans people, or fetishizing and/or mocking them. Let them know you value them. Reach. Out. To. Them.

But also don’t make your entire working relationship with them all about their transness. And don’t only offer them writing work that’s focused on gender and/or sexuality, value their perspective on other topics too! Don’t make a big deal out of working with your “first” trans affiliate. Don’t suggest toys for them to review based on what you perceive trans people play with – even if they’re an openly transgender woman, you know nothing about their genitals, preferences, or partner(s). And don’t work with just one trans person and call it good – our perspectives, talents, and opinions are as varied as our cisgender peers.

And while you’re at it, if you’ve got a few bucks and this guide has been helpful, maybe buy me a couple cup of coffee? (I won’t actually buy coffee with it, I’ll probably save it up to buy myself some books, so, like, don’t be so literal about it, Sharon.) You could also take those bucks and pay some other trans person to write a better, more in-depth guide that tackles issues I didn’t address or only touched on briefly. This was a really bare bones guide, Sharon. There’s more work to be done.

So.

Almost exactly 4000 words later, I’m sure you’ve finished your doritos and you’re more than ready to get back to your cat videos. That’s fine. You take some time to decompress, mull it all over. Trans people exist and they have money to spend in your shop and – this fact is extra wild so brace yourself – they deserve respect and inclusion. With these five steps, you’re on your way to actually acknowledging it.