I’m going to be honest. I bought this vibrator because it looks weird as fuck. If you’re reading this review, it’s probably for the same reason.

There’s just something strangely enchanting about a product that stands out from its siblings, a glaring eye-catcher that’s likely both more of a hassle and significantly less useful than its competitors.

A product that dares to look stupid and suck.

I’ve talked about budget-induced anxiety when it comes to sex toy shopping before; the Tulip Mini Vibrator by Vibratex is the result of such panic. I couldn’t make my mind up on what cheap vibrator would be good, so I went with what cheap vibrator would be fun – and so the Tulip became mine!

I was actually a bit surprised by how things went. The Vibratex Tulip is a deceptive little fellow – it looks funny and vaguely cute, but it works best as a torture device.

The Tulip is 6 inches long, made of smooth ABS plastic and sleek silicone. It has three tiny legs on its rounded base so that it can stay standing – which is amazing, because it looks even goofier propped up on its own. It honestly looks like a toy designer said to themselves, “You know what? I’d like to fuck a Pikmin. Except, it’s gotta have three legs and a tulip for its head flower. Yeah.” And then design logic crept in and they had to scale the concept back into something that was a little more modest but still maintained the essence of the original concept. And, look, I’m not kinkshaming – I bought the thing, so I’m obviously a kindred soul in some capacity.

The head is… weird. Weirder than I expected, even. The white silicone accordion neck is actually just a very flexible sleeve; presumably, it’s housing wires to bring power to the center silicone nub in the head. And for some reason that I can’t figure out, the neck glows bright purple when in use. Just the neck. (And before you suggest it – the light isn’t to let you know the vibe is on. There’s already a small blue light that glows between the buttons to tell you that.) The head is a firm magenta nub surrounded by rigid but pliable white silicone petals. The petals bend easily, but snap back into place when you’re no longer holding them. The silicone is all silky soft, and while it doesn’t attract as much dust as other silicone toys I have, I’ve definitely noticed a bit of lint/dust that needs rinsing every time I use it.

It’s not the hardest toy to clean, but it’s not a quick soap and rinse either. A tooth brush is definitely necessary to keep the space between the petals and the rubby nub clean. The neck’s accordion texturing requires a bit of extra scrub love too. And as with most toys that are made of both plastic and silicone, there’s a seam between the two materials that will inevitably collect gunk if you don’t use firm bristles or a fingernail to keep it clean. Since it’s not waterproof, dunking it in your sink in frustration is only an option if you plan on flapping it lifelessly on your junk during future uses.

The Tulip is battery operated and needs two triple-A’s. The base screws open with ease, especially when there’s already batteries inside it. Screwing the cap back shut takes a little more finessing (doesn’t it always?), though if you have better vision than I do there’s minuscule etchings on the seam that indicate where you should slide and click. I honestly forget they’re there.

Now on to the good stuff!

My favorite aspect of the Tulip is that despite being a budget vibrator, it has two buttons. Which means you switch it on/off with one button, and you change its settings with the other button. If you’re a stranger to cheap-o vibes, then allow me to clarify: most vibrators that won’t punch your wallet and steals its lunch money only have one button, forcing you to hold it for several seconds to turn the damn thing off. The Tulip clicks right off with one quick press of its soft little power button. Easy to hide your Pikmin-humping proclivities from intruding roommates, children, and kinkshamers.

Which is good, because despite promising to be “ultra-quiet,” this little fellow does hum. The first setting is the fabled whisper quiet so coveted by luxury vibes, but the second starts up a soft rattling buzz, and the third is cheap-electric-toothbrush-with-a-loose-piece loud. A comfy blanket can disguise the second setting with ease, and my go-to duo of a blanket and small fan on low drown out the third.

And these three consistent power settings are… not bad! Enough to get me off on the third setting. My junk is not very discerning (have I mentioned Hey Epiphora’s NSFW jingle is one of my favorite echolalia things lately?) so I hesitate to guess the Tulip’s vibrations on the buzzy-to-rumbly spectrum, especially with the additive of the petals (which we’ll get to in a minute.) Since I feel obligated to try, I’d say they’re on the buzz end of the scale, especially given how weirdly the vibrations travel from toy to flesh anyway. Because the neck is empty and can be bent over completely, if you want to experience the vibrations firmly, you have to hold the head itself, and with everything going on with its shape, it’s really hard to process what the vibrations are like besides “good enough” and a bit of “ow.”

Because, as I said – this thing works best as a torture device, and not even in the sarcastic “this thing sucks” way. I hated this toy the first five times I used it because the petals felt pinchy. When the toy is on, they buzz too. My labia is thick so I have to spread myself to sit this goofy thing on my clit, and even then, it doesn’t work for me the way I imagined. The petals don’t tease my clit as I rub the nub over it. My clit isn’t big enough and the petals are too far apart for things to go that way. Instead, the Tulip works best when I utilize its flexible neck and rub and twirl its entire head over my clit, taking the pain of the petals smacking and dragging and stabbing. It’s alien and it hurts. And today, with me in a rare legitimately masochistic mood, it worked like a charm. A mean, pinchy charm.

I almost wish I was also seeing someone with a penis to see if this thing’s capacity for torture is universal. I imagine it is, especially if you’re sensitive.

I’m going to guess the market for this is very limited. It can function okay as a regular little vibe if you hold the petals together and just buzz it against your clit (especially if you like your power sitting beside your clit instead of directly on it) but there are better vibrators in the same price range for that. Like the Doodle vibe from the Big Oh! Box, the Tulip can be used for sensory play away from the genitals, but for that I’d actually recommend the Doodle instead. I honestly think this little fellow works best as a nasty tease for a sub that’s interested in enduring some ouch with their ooh. Flicking just the petal tips black and forth, trapping a clit between them, or swirling the head rapidly are all cruel and oddly satisfying if your junk is up for it.

And if you really wanna be a meanie, you can switch to any of the three patterns that follow the steady settings. Not because they’re any good, but because they’re useless and frustrating. Just don’t do it if your sub has a medical sensitivity to light, because just like with the Noje Wand, the Tulip’s light flashes rapidly with patterns. For some reason.

If you want a weird as all fuckin’ heck vibrator that will take up space in your toy box and only be used when the planets align, you can get the Vibratex Tulip from SheVibe. I don’t really recommend it.

I bought this thing with my own money. Affiliate links were used in this post.