It’s that time of year again! A brand new season of The Walking Dead is about to unfold, which means I’ll be spending my Sunday nights watching a show that’s only had a handful of good episodes over its shambling 8-season run, desperately hoping for a scrap of queer rep that doesn’t end in a gruesome death or being unsubtly restricted to crowd scene filler. I can’t wait for all the disappointment!

(But seriously, fingers crossed the new showrunner can turn this mess around.)

With new episodes of The Walking Dead to watch (and subsequent episodes of abuser-hosted The Talking Dead to boycott), I’ve been musing over zombie apocalypse strategies. Mostly beheading a couple of zombies and then dabbing to imagined airhorns.

But given my blog’s focus, I think it’s only natural that my apocalypse hypotheticals also heavily focus on fucking while the world burns. Just because your neighbors are all undead brain-eaters doesn’t mean you’re not going to wanna get some. (My neighbors are mostly Trump supporters anyway, so I’m already used to a constant state of anxiety whenever I go outside.) But in the apocalypse, you can’t just lug a backpack of sex toys from one doomed safe zone to the next. The hierarchy of needs becomes stricter when there’s zombies afoot, with medical supplies and food coming before you coming does.

So what about a sex toy with a dual purpose? What about a sex toy you can… kill zombies with?

1.) A Fucking Metal Bar

The Rebar Spreader Bar from The Stockroom: 18 inches of raw steel imitation for keeping a submissive spread with the cuffs or rope of your choice. Currently $68 USD.

Now this both is and isn’t an obvious choice. It’s already modeled after an action movie favorite for impromptu warehouse murder or death by dramatic fall in a construction site. But bondage in the apocalypse seems like it’s just begging for the same results as that scene in Puppet Master with Tunneler. So I guess just make sure you’re practicing Risk Aware Consensual Kink, where some of the risk to be aware of include possibly being mauled to death by a previously unexpected participant.

The Rebar Spreader Bar has serious potential for cracking zombie skull, but I think you could also get fancier with it à la Morgan Jones. But don’t The Art of Peace that shit, okay? This is an apocalypse. We’re all out here killing zombies and each other. It’s dog eat dog. Especially if the first dog is a zombie.

2.) A Huge-Ass Wand

The Doxy Die Cast from RGN Toys: nearly two pounds of corded crotch-shuddering power in a titanium and aluminum package. Currently $210 USD.

Listen, there’s no reason you should have to sacrifice screaming orgasms to survive the zombie apocalypse. It’s the zombie apocalypse, we’re screaming all the time now. If all the hollering attracts a horde, then at least you can die just like you lived: stressed out and masturbating.

There are a number of ways you can utilize a Doxy Die Cast as a zombie-battering badass. You can swing it by its cord like some kind of lasso except instead of wrangling cows or whatever you’re toppling the undead. You can ride a horse and bash zombies as you pass. Will it still function afterwards? I dunno. I don’t own a Doxy. In fact I only own one toy featured on this list. I’m unqualified to give you advice on weaponizable sex toys, both because I haven’t handled these toys, and because I don’t think I’d survive the first week of an apocalypse.

Moving on!

3.) A Rock, Basically

The D.2 Stone Dildo from Peepshow Toys: almost a full pound of solid, fuckable granite fashioned into 8 inches of potential. Currently $110 USD.

Now, fending off zombies with a g-spot stimulating rock doesn’t seem ideal. For one thing, the stone is smooth and specially finished to make it body-safe, so it lacks a good stabby end. For another, it’s actually relatively small, so you’ll have to be in close combat to even use it. But times are tough, buddy, and nobody ever survived the zombie apocalypse by refusing to improvise.

So what can you do with a D.2 Stone Dildo, besides firm g-spot finessing? Go for the eye socket. Throw it as hard as you can from several feet away. Tie it to your hand somehow and deliver nose-crunching punches that’ll probably break your knuckles. Imitate that scene from the first Jurassic Park where Grant menaces a child, which is sure to creep out even a zombie. Maximum effort!

4.) A Big Silicone Dong

The Anaconda Silicone Dildo from Tantus: 7 inches of rigid silicone dildo with an additional 4-inch handle. Currently $50 USD.

Tantus actually has a number of larger dildos, but I like the Anaconda for its nifty handle. Like the D.2 Stone Dildo, it’s too small to be suitable for a main weapon, but it’s an ideal backup for when the leader of an opposing faction of survivors disarms you but gets grossed out by you carrying around a dildo. They won’t bother confiscating it because ew, cooties. How ironic that their sex negativity will be their downfall.

The ways you could utilize the Anaconda are limitless. You can do everything you could do with a really short bat! Or a flail! Except it won’t be as effective because as hefty as it is (I own it and it’s a beast) it still doesn’t have the bone-breaking weight you’ll need for a truly effective weapon. You can still go full Negan on those that cross you, but all you’ll really accomplish is knocking someone out cold with a dildo. Which, I mean, you do you. Now more than ever we should be embracing our true selves. You could be eaten by a zombie at any moment.

5.) A Serious Ass-Spanker

The Alexandra Wooden Spanking Paddle from The Stockroom: a visually stunning 20-inch paddle described as “surprisingly light in weight.” Currently $150 USD.

Just because you’re fighting for your life from sunrise to sunset doesn’t mean you don’t want a good consensual beating now and then. Life was hard before there were cannibalistic corpses roaming the land in search of their next person-shaped meal. Unwind with a hard paddling, and then stroll out of your safe house the next morning wielding some serious wood.

Heh.

The Alexandra Wooden Spanking Paddle is perhaps the most weapon-like toy featured on this list, and pretty vanilla-passing as long as people haven’t had a good look at actual cricket bats – or whatever those things are called – and can tell that this is a “you’re a bad little [gendered endearment], aren’t you?” thing and not a weird foreign sports thing. If you get called out, just remind your ragtag band of traveling companions that kink-shaming is so pre-apocalypse and remind them if they want you to be the Tallahassee to their Columbus, they had better shape up.

6.) A Big Metal Dildo

The NJoy Stainless Steel Dildo from SheVibe: an impressive 11-inch double-ended dildo, weighing nearly three pounds. Currently $250 USD.

If you’re hip to sex toys beyond cursory shopping here and there, this is probably the sex toy that jumped to mind as soon as you read this post’s title. It’s huge, it’s stainless steel, and it’s intimidating in more ways than one. Because it’s (surgical grade) stainless steel, you can use it with any kind of lube, which is a nice bonus when you’re having to forage for that shit on the go.

The Njoy Stainless Steel Dildo is the zombie apocalypse weapon of a stone cold badass. It’s effective, it’s aesthetically pleasing, and it’s not stealthy but it’s also not immediately clear to the uninitiated what it’s intended for. It’s also super expensive, so either have to be financially endowed and buy it before civilization collapses, or you’ll have to break into a sex shop two months afterwards and look for it.

But maybe you know of a few toys I missed. Maybe you have some of them in your bedside table drawer. Tell me, what sex toy will you be bringing when civilization falls?

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