{"id":790,"date":"2018-06-29T07:05:13","date_gmt":"2018-06-29T07:05:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/bettybutch.com\/?p=790"},"modified":"2020-07-06T18:09:39","modified_gmt":"2020-07-06T18:09:39","slug":"i-wanna-talk-about-how-periods-are-terrifying","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bettybutch.com\/index.php\/2018\/06\/29\/i-wanna-talk-about-how-periods-are-terrifying\/","title":{"rendered":"I wanna talk about how periods are terrifying."},"content":{"rendered":"

(Content Warnings:<\/strong> gender dysphoria, mental illness, suicidal thoughts, blood.)<\/p>\n

I\u2019m terrified I\u2019m about to get my period again, so let\u2019s talk about why.<\/p>\n

\"\"
A gif of stand-up comic Cameron Esposito shouting, “My body is bleeding out of my body!” She has beautiful lesbian hair (specifically, a side mullet.)\u00a0Source<\/a>.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

I started menstruating towards the end of middle school, which felt embarrassingly late at the time. It only took a few months for me to realize that my period was not<\/em> the beautiful unfurling of womanhood that had been promised to me, the unhappy little trans kid \u2013 instead, it was a reoccurring nightmare of bloating, pain, and blood.<\/p>\n

Jesus fuck, the blood<\/em>… nobody warned me I\u2019d feel like a criminal stuck at the scene of their own crime, constantly trying to mop up the evidence and weeping at the futility of it all. If I was ever indiscreet about my affliction, I was mocked by my peers and admonished by adults; \u201cwomanhood\u201d was just a filthy secret I was tasked with containing even though it poured out of me with a vengeance.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

The vague warnings I was given about PMS (\u201cyou\u2019ll probably act bitchy<\/em>\u201d) did not prepare me for the exhausted despair and unbearably itchy rage that it brought. My cycle-summoned misery was often even more debilitating than the nausea-inducing cramps, and it magnified my preexisting depression. Both times I was forcibly hospitalized during high school for suicidal ideation, I was PMSing and didn\u2019t realize until later.<\/p>\n

From the very beginning, though, my period was inconsistent. I never had any idea when it was coming because it jumped all over the calendar and lasted a completely random number of days. Because my periods were so devastating emotionally, this became a unique kind of torture; every bad mood became something to fear, because it could be heralding my period. As I got older, I would sometimes go an entire month or two without one \u2013 then it would be back to terrorize me into crying in public restrooms at work.<\/p>\n

When I was 23, I had one of the worst years of my life. I lost my house, separated from my partner, quit my job, and then \u2013 after tentatively starting to see each other again \u2013 spent a month by my partner\u2019s side as they nearly died in the hospital. Somewhere in the chaos, the gaps between periods became longer and more frequent. I\u2019d go five months without one, and sometimes only bleed for a day or two when it finally arrived.<\/p>\n

A few years ago, my period basically stopped altogether.<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t afford health insurance so I can\u2019t say for sure why<\/em> this happened, though I have some google-fueled guesses (PCOS is at the top of the list, since \u2013 among other things \u2013 I also started growing facial and chest hair.) But if I\u2019m being honest, there aren\u2019t a lot of whys that I wouldn\u2019t choose over having to endure regular periods. While I do spot sometimes and have PMS or cramping when my partner\u2019s about to start theirs, I\u2019ve only had two actual periods in the last two years, and it\u2019s almost enough to make me believe in a god…<\/p>\n

Only almost<\/em>, because my most recent period was last month.<\/p>\n

\"\"
A white nonbinary person’s legs stretched out over Star Wars sheets. There’s two trails of blood running down her thigh.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

I started spotting, but since it wasn\u2019t enough to even warrant a pad, I didn\u2019t think anything of it. Over the course of a day I kept bleeding, and my partner suggested maybe I was getting a full period \u2013 I was furious at them for even suggesting it. But then I woke up from a nap and discovered I had bled all the way down my leg.<\/p>\n

I freaked out<\/em>.<\/p>\n

It feels ridiculous to complain about getting a period when most folks with uteruses get them regularly for a majority of their life, often with far worse symptoms than mine. But fuck, last month was traumatizing<\/em>. Blood pouring out of your body is fucking traumatizing<\/em>! I try to boost and encourage folks who want to celebrate menstruation and battle social stigma (because treating people like filthy inconveniences for a natural biological function is terrible and should<\/em> be challenged) but I don\u2019t find anything beautiful about it. It hurts and it\u2019s messy and it makes me feel less than human. I\u2019m literally crying as I type this, because getting my period last month was the lowest I\u2019ve felt in a long time. I wanted to die. I felt like I was already halfway there. Dazed, listless, bleeding out like an open wound.<\/p>\n

In the years it was gone, I\u2019ve learned more about why it upset me so much. I\u2019ve realized my desperation and subsequent failure to feel connected to womanhood was because I\u2019m not a woman. At least not most of the time. Menstruating was held up as something powerful and feminine, and as a teenager I\u2019d hoped it would finally make me whole. But all it ever did was make me feel more disconnected from my body. Betrayed by my insides.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ll never forget how I felt the first time I watched stand-up comedian Cameron Esposito\u2019s periods routine on Youtube<\/a>. \u201cMy body<\/em>. Is smashing my body<\/em>. Out<\/em> of my body<\/em>. Using my body<\/em>,\u201d Esposito screamed into the mic, and even as I howled with laughter, I felt something inside me ease. I had never heard someone proportionately<\/em> complain about the gross, painful reality of periods. Esposito yells a lot during her stand-up, but something about the raw volume of her voice as she discussed shedding her uterine lining made me feel like the internalized shrieking I\u2019d been doing for all of my post-puberty life was finally<\/em> manifested somewhere. I laughed so hard I cried, and then I just cried.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know how I managed to keep functioning as well as I did when I was getting my period regularly. I don\u2019t know how anyone<\/em> manages. Last month I spent two weeks scaring the shit out of my partner because I was so out of it. I barely left our bed. It was only extended family obligations that finally stirred me out of my stupor, and even then I didn\u2019t start feeling human again until a week ago.<\/p>\n

But the past few days, I\u2019ve felt\u2026 off. A little too easily irritated, a little too aware of my body, a little too achy in my bones. Maybe I\u2019m just fixating because I\u2019m terrified I\u2019ll get my period again; maybe I\u2019m about to start PMSing. Even if it doesn\u2019t happen again this month, I\u2019ll still be spending a long time terrified by every odd stomachache and mood swing, because I can\u2019t pretend it doesn\u2019t happen to me anymore.<\/p>\n

But I can talk about it. I can type these words. I don\u2019t have to internalize the screaming anymore. And that helps.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

(Content Warnings: gender dysphoria, mental illness, suicidal thoughts, blood.) I’m terrified I’m about to get my period again, so let’s talk about why. I started menstruating towards the end of middle school, which felt embarrassingly late at the time. It only took a few months […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":792,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[856,858,724,16],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-790","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-being-lgbt","category-surviving-trauma-depression-anxiety","category-essays-articles","category-essays-guides"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t