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Is your sex shop a safe place to browse for people of marginalized identities? Do you think you\u2019re welcoming to trans customers, Black customers, and disabled customers? Have you ever even asked yourself that question?<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve scoured a lot of sex shops in my years as a consumer and sex toy reviewer. I see the same harmful choices and regurgitated microaggressions over and over, even in \u201cprogressive\u201d shops.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t have the time or energy to tackle every misdeed, but I thought it was important to at least talk about the ones that have been on my mind a lot lately.<\/p>\n
Ah, yes, the three genders: \u201cmen\u201d, \u201cwomen\u201d, and \u201ccouples\u201d. A majority of sex shops categorize their toys this way, which either inadvertently or bigotedly disregards queer and transgender shoppers. Some sex toys are designed for specific body parts \u2013 the We-Vibe Melt<\/a> works best on clitorises and nipples, the Aneros Syn Trident<\/a> is shaped for prostate stimulation \u2013 but body parts don\u2019t have genders, people<\/em> do. I have a clitoris, and I\u2019m not a woman. I don\u2019t want to shop in the \u201cwomen\u2019s\u201d section. Sell me \u201cVibrators\u201d or toys \u201cFor Vulvas.\u201d<\/p>\n When you force customers into shopping in gendered boxes, you limit customers\u2019 imaginations about what kinds of toys they can use on themselves and their partners<\/a>. You alienate transgender people, and potentially cause them dysphoric distress. Sex shops can already be uncomfortable for people \u2013 you should be doing everything you can to make their shopping experience positive and affirming.<\/p>\n Need help? I wrote an entire guide on making sex shops gender-inclusive<\/a>.<\/p>\n \u201cCouple\u201d sex can be had by queer people, trans people, and more than two people at once! Besides, penis-in-vagina sex isn\u2019t the only sex act shared by cisgender straight people. Assuming PIV is everyone\u2019s goal is homophobic, transphobic, ableist, and just plain unimaginative.<\/p>\n Any sex toy can be a couple\u2019s toy, but products specifically designed for partnered use can include: positioning aids, toys with remotes<\/a>, safer sex barriers<\/a>, strap-on harnesses, bondage restraints, inflatable plugs, impact toys, flavored lubes and massage oils, versatile toys<\/a>, double-ended dildos, etc. What do we usually find in a couples collection? Cock rings and a couple of wearable vibes like the We-Vibe Sync<\/a>.<\/p>\n If I see one more sex shop put their strap-on harnesses under \u201cfetish\u201d because you only associate them with power exchange and pegging, I swear to fuck\u2026<\/p>\n Realistic dildos\u2019 skin tones are almost universally labeled \u201cchocolate,\u201d \u201cmocha,\u201d \u201cvanilla,\u201d \u201ccoffee,\u201d and \u201ccaramel.\u201d<\/p>\n I think the foods\/flavors thing is weird, objectifying, and is influenced by \u2013 and directly contributes to \u2013 the fetishization and othering of people of color. Us \u201cvanilla\u201d tone folks only ever get described as such when it\u2019s in a food color lineup like this, whereas people of color are routinely reduced to yummy exotic flavors everywhere<\/em> because white people dehumanize, hypersexualize, and other them. (And don\u2019t forget white people have a long history of literally and figuratively cannibalizing people of color<\/a>.)<\/p>\n This racist practice is so normalized in the sex toy industry (and the adult industry in general) that people assume it\u2019s standard procedure. But every manufacturer and retailer has a choice. Choose to stop<\/em>.<\/p>\n In 2018, I took a trip to our local sex shop for a class<\/a>. Right in the middle of the entry was a costume display including a feathered headdress on a sexy mannequin. I was so put off by it, I haven\u2019t been back since. Native American women are 2.5 times more likely to be sexually assaulted<\/a> than any other ethnic group in the US. Native identity isn\u2019t a costume, sacred ceremonial wear isn\u2019t for your horny escapades, and the genocidal devaluing and perceived consumability of Native women and Native cultures aren\u2019t sexy.<\/p>\n I\u2019m tired of seeing \u201csexy\u201d geishas and Romani women (always slurred as \u201cg*psies\u201d), \u201cancient wisdom\u201d marketing tropes leaning into the othering of Chinese and Indian sexuality, and Black dildos and butt strokers advertised as uniquely, enticingly \u201cbig\u201d and virile. I\u2019m tired of it, and I\u2019m white. Imagine how fucking exhausted, uncomfortable, and traumatized people of color are, being reduced to a dehumanized fetish for the white gaze?<\/p>\n Stop it with the egregiously racist \u201cbig Black cock\u201d and \u201cbig Black booty\u201d thing. Black penises some in all sizes and degrees of softness and hardness. You can stock and sell dildos with dark skin tones without turning it into a racist fixation. You can also stock black and brown skin tone strokers without describing them with language that invokes racist stereotypes, or sensationalizing about dimensions or sexual availability.<\/p>\n Black men \u2013 and often specifically their penises \u2013 are fetishistically framed as big, strong, brutal objects that exist to humiliate white men and ravish white women. This racist trope is often used to justify everything from racist violence against Black men and boys to \u201cprotect\u201d white women<\/a>, to normalizing and discrediting the on-set abuse of Black performers because their bodies are seen as too powerful to be anything but perpetrating. (The adult industry is so fucking shitty to Black people<\/a>.) Black women\u2019s \u201centicing\u201d (yet hated<\/a>) curves are used to justify and permit sexual violence against them, because their hypersexualized bodies have always been treated and legislated as consumable objects in America.<\/p>\n Stop othering Black bodies. And support the BIPOC Adult Industry Collective<\/a>, please.<\/p>\n Disabled people masturbate, have sex, and use sex toys. There\u2019s a whole podcast about it<\/a>! Statistically speaking<\/a>, many of your customers are disabled people too. Your website and social media should reflect that reality by being accessible.<\/p>\n Is your text large enough to be read? Are your video promos captioned? Do you have alt text for your product photos? How difficult are your drop-down menus to navigate? Do you have a section for accessible sex toys, such as those with looped handles<\/a>, velcro straps<\/a>, and remotes with easy buttons<\/a>? Are your product descriptions clear and unambiguous? (\u201cSelf-explanatory\u201d and \u201ccommon sense\u201d are ableist concepts, banish them from your mind.)<\/p>\n I\u2019m autistic, and the problems I run into the most often are sensory-based, like eye-searing color contrasts, or ads or videos that automatically play and trigger a sensory overload.<\/p>\n What\u2019s the sizing of your largest strap-on harness? Do you stock plus size lingerie? Do you know what kind of toys work best when you have a low-hanging belly, fleshy vulva, or a limited reach? What\u2019s the maximum neck width for your collars? Are any of your product models, social media influencers, or customer services reps fat?<\/p>\n This is another complaint rooted in firsthand experience. As a fat person I\u2019m constantly having to double-check listings and email retailers about product sizing. It\u2019s so fucking frustrating to be told I\u2019m \u201cthe first person who\u2019s ever asked us that!\u201d because it doesn\u2019t actually mean no one else has ever wondered. It means I\u2019m the first person who felt comfortable demanding an answer.<\/p>\n Like half the US is fat. Wake up<\/a>.<\/p>\n Many sex shops I\u2019ve browsed have built their entire business around thin, white, straight cisgender people. If a non-fetishizing advertisement, banner, social media post, or product photo features a model, they\u2019re almost always part of most or all of these privileged categories.<\/p>\n If customers are lucky, they might see a pair of sexy lesbians (to entice male shoppers), a single interracial couple (always involving a white person), or an attractively proportioned size 10. (She\u2019s usually part of a back-patting promotion about \u201cloving yourself.\u201d You know we wouldn\u2019t have to try so hard to love ourselves if you weren\u2019t directly contributing to the hatred and erasure of actual fat people.)<\/p>\n It\u2019s almost like these businesses are selling the idealized life of being thin, white, straight and cisgender more than they\u2019re selling pleasure products.<\/p>\n I understand that a lot of marketing material is out of a fledgling shop\u2019s hands, because sex toy companies provide the stock photos. But shops should be pushing back against that shit and demanding better from manufacturers. When the budget allows, you should be making sure your own marketing \u2013 including which social media influencers you work with \u2013 is as diverse as the people you serve. Fat folks, people of color, transgender people, sex workers, bisexuals, lesbians, disabled folks \u2013 and people who occupy multiple marginalizations at once.<\/p>\n Welcome all of us.<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Was this post helpful? Buy me a coffee<\/a> or buy me a book<\/a>. <\/em><\/p>\n This post includes affiliate links. While using these links to make a purchase comes at no extra cost to you, it helps keep my website running.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Is your sex shop a safe place to browse for people of marginalized identities? Do you think you’re welcoming to trans customers, Black customers, and disabled customers? Have you ever even asked yourself that question? I’ve scoured a lot of sex shops in my years […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":4566,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[486,17,721,723,16],"tags":[923,924,925],"class_list":["post-4525","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-adventures-in-blogging","category-guides","category-sex-toys","category-guides-2","category-essays-guides","tag-slacktivism","tag-adult-industry","tag-from-the-heart"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t2) Limiting \u201ccouple\u201d to cis straight people who have penetrative sex.<\/h4>\n
3) Using foods\/flavors to describe skin tones.<\/h4>\n
4) Racist marketing and displays.<\/h4>\n
5) Big Black… anything<\/em>.<\/h4>\n
6) Having an inaccessible website.<\/h4>\n
7) Only catering to thin people.<\/h4>\n
8) Not accurately and enthusiastically reflecting their customer base.<\/h4>\n
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