{"id":2107,"date":"2019-05-31T21:54:21","date_gmt":"2019-05-31T21:54:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bettybutch.com\/?p=2107"},"modified":"2023-07-27T16:20:30","modified_gmt":"2023-07-27T16:20:30","slug":"sex-blogging-autistic-burnout-and-depression","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bettybutch.com\/index.php\/2019\/05\/31\/sex-blogging-autistic-burnout-and-depression\/","title":{"rendered":"Sex Blogging, Autistic Burnout, and Depression"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"Several
Spiro<\/a> in yellow\/orange, Amo<\/a> in pink, Tom of Finland Weighted Cockring\/Beads<\/a> in black, Frank’s Monster<\/a> in white, Temptasia Reina in teal<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n[Content Notes:<\/strong> Frank discussion of autistic burnout, mental illness (including suicidal urges), internalized ableism, and the woes of capitalism.]\n

I\u2019ve had depression most of my life, and bouts of suicidal ideation since my teens. These struggles are so normal to me that sometimes I forget that not everyone is randomly sapped of their will to live for weeks at a time.<\/p>\n

The worst of my depression always comes after experiencing autistic burnout. Autistic burnout is the (often sudden) crash of one\u2019s functioning capabilities after a prolonged period of performing at an allistic (non-autistic) level. Like everything ASD-related, what this looks like varies from autistic to autistic, in part because we all interact with \u2013 and thus are taxed by \u2013 the allistic world differently.<\/p>\n

During and while recovering from burnout, I\u2019m not managing my daily needs, which has a negative impact on my mental health. By the time I\u2019m in a place where I can cobble my schedule back together, my depression has crept in. It\u2019s a deeply debilitating cycle that can sometimes take months to get out of.<\/p>\n

And that\u2019s where I\u2019m at right now.<\/p>\n

I quit my last traditional job five years ago. In the decade leading up to the decision to stop working, I would work full time for a year-long burst before having an especially bad burn out and quitting without notice. I\u2019d spend months laying on the couch, listless and suicidal, wondering why I didn\u2019t just stop the cycle of uselessness by dying.<\/p>\n

Other disabled folks will definitely feel me on this: the toll that working took on me outweighed the financial benefit. It\u2019s expensive to be poor, and it\u2019s expensive<\/em> to be work outside your functioning capabilities \u2013 which I did, for years.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m lucky to have a partner who \u2013 despite struggling with mental illness themself \u2013 is both willing and capable of supporting our household.<\/p>\n

For the past few years, I\u2019ve struggled with it. The guilt is hard to deal with because \u2013 as someone who grew up poor \u2013 I\u2019ve always associated worth with productivity. Contributing<\/em>. I\u2019ve picked up projects here and there to feel like I\u2019m making<\/em> something \u2013 even if it\u2019s not money \u2013 and thus \u201cearning\u201d the right to not kill myself with a retail job. (Capitalism tells some pretty convincing lies.) Comics reviewing, YouTube, nothing stuck until I started my sex blog in January 2018.<\/p>\n

Sex blogging is fun, but as I ranted on Twitter<\/a> back in April, this is definitely work<\/em>. And it\u2019s uniquely taxing on me as an autistic. It requires me to be sexual, which means regularly combatting survivor trauma and gender dysphoria (who would make shitty additions to any superhero\u2019s rogues gallery.) It requires me to be social and thus articulate and approachable, two things I fake well (via Red Hood<\/a> levels of masking) but drain myself performing. It requires me to be analytical about deeply personal things and to commit those observations to paper in a concise (me, concise<\/em>?) and relatable way.<\/p>\n

Autistic burnout is basically inevitable.<\/p>\n

Though I\u2019ve been blogging for over a year, I still haven\u2019t figured out how best to manage blogging around my burnout and subsequent depression. How can I balance my pacing capabilities with the demands of content creation, site upkeep, social media, and growing my affiliate relationships? What can I reasonably expect of myself, and of my platform as managed by someone who is autistic, mentally ill, and learning<\/em>? It\u2019s a tightrope walk I\u2019m still feeling out as I go.<\/p>\n

Recently, this tightrope has been coupled with one external family crisis after another, and personal struggles outside of my autism and mental health. In April, I felt myself slipping; in May, I crashed to the ground.<\/p>\n

And now\u2026 I\u2019m just kinda laying here.<\/p>\n

With a sink literally overflowing with dildos that I had every intention of scrubbing, but don\u2019t have the energy or desire to deal with.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s almost comical.<\/p>\n

A lot of sex bloggers are mentally ill, so I know I’m not alone in this struggle. This industry attracts uniquely compassionate creatives who sought out and appreciate the often life-changing benefits that sex toys offer. Often, we write about these things because they were integral to transforming our<\/em> sex lives and\/or our relationships with our bodies, and we want to pass that joy on to others.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t yet know how best to manage my day to day functioning as a blogger. I don\u2019t know if I can avoid autistic burnout and I know<\/em> I can\u2019t avoid my depression. I imagine it will take a long time to master this juggling act, and my act might not be as flashy and competent as I want.<\/p>\n

But I know that this is what I want to do. And that, like anyone else learning to juggle, I just have to keep picking up the things I drop. Eventually, I\u2019ll drop them less.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

[Content Notes: Frank discussion of autistic burnout, mental illness (including suicidal urges), internalized ableism, and the woes of capitalism.] I’ve had depression most of my life, and bouts of suicidal ideation since my teens. These struggles are so normal to me that sometimes I forget […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2109,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[857,858,486,724,16],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2107","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-autism-and-sex","category-surviving-trauma-depression-anxiety","category-adventures-in-blogging","category-essays-articles","category-essays-guides"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t