{"id":166,"date":"2018-12-31T20:49:52","date_gmt":"2018-12-31T20:49:52","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/bettybutch.com\/?p=166"},"modified":"2020-07-06T18:24:36","modified_gmt":"2020-07-06T18:24:36","slug":"how-roleplaying-helps-make-sex-more-comfortable-for-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bettybutch.com\/index.php\/2018\/12\/31\/how-roleplaying-helps-make-sex-more-comfortable-for-me\/","title":{"rendered":"How Roleplaying Helps Make Sex More Comfortable (For Me!)"},"content":{"rendered":"

(Content Warnings:<\/strong> Heavy discussion of past sexual abuse, gender dysphoria, and fatphobia; frequent gif use.)<\/p>\n

My first orgasm was as Elizabeth Swann.<\/p>\n

And before you scroll to check who wrote this \u2013 no, dear reader, I’m afraid this is not a scintillating personal essay written by Keira Knightley. It is<\/em> a scintillating personal essay, I guess, but the author is just your average Jane\/John\/Jamie from America, writing sexy stuff while still in pajamas.<\/p>\n

What I mean is, my first orgasm occurred when I was pretending<\/em> to be Elizabeth Swann while my high school sweetheart went down on me in their aunt\u2019s guest bedroom.<\/p>\n

\"\"
[Description: A gif of Elizabeth Swann’s ecstatic expression from the “One Day” scene at the end of\u00a0Dead Man’s Chest<\/em>. Source<\/a>.]<\/figcaption><\/figure>It was the summer after my junior year of high school. Dead Man\u2019s Chest had just come out in theaters, and we\u2019d already watched it on the big screen at least two of the six times<\/em> we\u2019d go during its run. Despite that summer\u2019s enthusiasm, I hadn\u2019t always been enamored with the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. When I\u2019d first begun dating Buster, I\u2019d insisted Johnny Depp was an overrated creep (and given that he\u2019s been outed as a biphobic abuser, I\u2019m proud of my baby queer self\u2019s intuition \u2014 you were right to be wary, teen Betty!) and the movies were clunky and over-hyped. But like most things Buster liked, the series grew on me.<\/p>\n

And honestly, how could it not? I grew up largely sheltered from television and missed out on ass-kicking lady icons like Xena and Buffy. Elizabeth Swann was like a grown up Hermione Granger; like Hermione, she was adventurous, vulnerable, and brilliant, but because she was an adult (and admittedly a bit more male gaze-y) she was also unflinchingly sexual and completely in charge of her shit. As an awkward teenager dealing with some serious internalized misogyny, body issues, gender dysphoria, and childhood trauma, I saw in Elizabeth Swann the kind of woman I craved to be (at least some of the time.)<\/p>\n

And she was a sexy pirate on top of it! It was like role model Christmas.<\/p>\n

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[Description: A gif of Elizabeth looking self-assured while saying, “There will come a moment when you have a chance to show it. To do the right thing.” Source<\/a>.]<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/p>\n

My first orgasm was pretty good, as orgasms often are. It was the full nervous system equivalent of taking a warm bath: hot, immersive, and yet profoundly natural-feeling. I felt it from the tip of my toes as they curled in the sheets, all the way to my mouth where my lips were buzzing so hard I couldn’t speak for a full minute afterward.<\/p>\n

When I did speak, though, I kept my voice carefully tailored to imitate Swann\u2019s husky English accent, exhaling \u201cJaaack…<\/em>\u201d like it was a long-practiced prayer. (Or a curse. It sounded all hot and ambiguous like that.) I even had my chin jutted out in that sexy-confident way Knightly favors throughout the movies.<\/p>\n

Buster \u2014 who was panting against my pussy and probably not yet aware of the magic they\u2019d preformed with their now smirking mouth \u2014 crooned lowly, \u201cThat\u2019s me, lovey.\u201d Their eyes were half-lidded and mischievous; they were the hottest thing I\u2019d ever seen licking their own lips wet with my come.<\/p>\n

\u201cCome here, Jack,\u201d I insisted, every bit as sexual and comfortable as Elizabeth at her most brazen, and Buster crawled up my body, kissing me messily and totally lacking the beaded beard their fake accent called for \u2013 though they were rocking the appropriately dark eye makeup just fine.<\/p>\n

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[Description: A gif of Elizabeth Swann and Jack Sparrow; Jack is stroking Elizabeth’s jawline while she purrs at him during the “curiosity” conversation in Dead Man’s Chest<\/em>. Source<\/a>.]<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Our Sex Life Now<\/h4>\n

Sex can be awkward and intimidating even if you have relatively little baggage to bring to bed. But every time I indulge in some sheet shenanigans, I’m also bringing along lifelong shame over my body, frustration with my gender identity, and the trauma of having been sexually abused both as a child and as an adult. Additionally, I’m autistic, so I have a whole slew of sensory and emotional complications to navigate. My bed is buried under a small village<\/em> of suitcases.<\/p>\n

For a married couple, Buster and I have a lot of sex. We solemnly swear to get up to no good at least once a week; sometimes we double or triple that, and sometimes we skip it completely. After over a decade together I feel that\u2019s pretty frequent, especially when considering we both suffer from bouts of anxiety and depression, Buster works full-time and has a very long commute, and I\u2019ve got so much crap going on in my head. A healthy sex life is a sex life that\u2019s fulfilling for everyone involved regardless of frequency, but for us<\/em>, indulging regularly is part of keeping it healthy.<\/p>\n

\"\"
[Description: A Buffy the Vampire Slayer<\/em> gif. Faith stabs a dagger into the wall behind Buffy’s head and they make (sexy) eye contact. Source<\/a>.]<\/figcaption><\/figure>I attribute the consistency of our sex life to my partner\u2019s endless patience (or endless sex drive), and to Elizabeth Swann. And Harry Potter. And Maggie Rhee. And Jason Todd. And Buffy Summers. And Obi-Wan Kenobi. To be honest, it\u2019s a pretty long<\/em> list.<\/p>\n

Role playing during sex isn\u2019t exactly ground-breaking. People have been pretending to be animals and knights and maids and morally corrupt authority figures for as long as sex has been around; getting more specific and portraying your favorite Jedi or Power Ranger isn\u2019t much of a stretch. It\u2019s an effective and almost instantaneous way to \u201cshake things up\u201d by adding fresh tension to the dynamic you already have with your partner(s), or by creating an entirely new<\/em> dynamic.<\/p>\n

But more than that, it can be a tool for exploration and healing through sex.<\/p>\n

How We Got Started<\/h4>\n

Our adult-rated playing pretend sessions began months before my first orgasm, though physical sex wasn\u2019t originally incorporated. Like a lot of nerds in high school, we both enjoyed role playing online<\/em>, exchanging clich\u00e9-riddled paragraphs detailing our characters \u2013 sometimes original, sometimes borrowed from a beloved book or show \u2013 falling in love and saving the world via instant messenger. (Rest in peace, AIM.)<\/p>\n

It was one of the first interests we discovered we had in common before dating, and it was how most of our subsequent flirting was coded. Our sexual inclinations towards each other became threaded into our text fantasies starring wizards and witches, superheroes, and pirates\u2026 It was inevitable that our role playing would spill into real life.<\/p>\n

At first, we just played around in-character while going on walks together, indulging in small talk as Harry Potter characters. We chatted about magic classes, the impending wizarding war, and Hogwarts gossip. It was a fun, creative, and deeply immersive way to get out of our own heads while also<\/em> getting to know each other, because our opinions and feelings naturally bled through the veneer of our characters.<\/p>\n

It also allowed us to play with roles we weren\u2019t yet comfortable claiming for ourselves, including different gender identities, D\/s, and bondage. Baby Betty wasn\u2019t confident enough to present as queerly masculine, or tie up and dominate a partner, or verbally berate said sub with erotically humiliating dirty talk \u2013 but Severus Snape was. And so Severus Snape I became.<\/p>\n

\"\"
[Description: A Prisoner of Azkaban<\/em> gif where Professor Snape swoops into Harry Potter’s personal space to be an asshole. Because Snape is<\/em> an asshole. Source<\/a>.]<\/figcaption><\/figure>Over the years, Buster and I have figured out dozens of characters that mesh with certain moods, picking out go-to character couples that suit our inclination for bondage, or power play, or the sweetest of vanilla shmoop. The gender identities, sexual tastes, and relationship dynamics of the characters we enjoy are widely varied, and there\u2019s reason for that: our<\/em> gender identities, sexual tastes, and relationship dynamics are widely varied.<\/p>\n

Reaffirming Gender<\/h4>\n

Although I\u2019m almost 30, I still struggle with my gender on a near-daily basis, and it can cause me a lot of frustration, especially<\/em> when I want to get physical with my partner. Slipping into a familiar male character\u2019s headspace allows me to step around the ever-nagging question of am I a guy?<\/em> and instead just\u2026 be<\/em> a guy. I don\u2019t have to fret over what I want my<\/em> anatomy to be called today because my character calls his junk a dick<\/em>. I don\u2019t have to feel anxious about my body and how my partner perceives my maleness because the character is male<\/em>.<\/p>\n

\"\"
[Description: A gif of Jason Stackhouse from True Blood<\/em> indignantly saying, “If I wanna be a fool, then I WILL be a fool!”\u00a0Source<\/a>.]<\/figcaption><\/figure>(And it\u2019s not as though I can only portray cisgender male characters to achieve “comfortable maleness.” Buster and I both frequently play as trans guy characters\u2026 though since it\u2019s always us<\/em>, they\u2019re technically all<\/em> trans.)<\/p>\n
\"\"
[Description: A gif of Drew and Blair from an early episode of\u00a0Dead of Summer<\/em>. Drew lifts his face to stare at Blair and Blair gazes back at him. Source<\/a>.]<\/figcaption><\/figure>Of course Buster would honor and support my identity if I ever settled on words that concretely defined me<\/em>. My indulgence in male characters isn\u2019t because I don\u2019t think I<\/em> can be a guy. I know that \u2013 at least sometimes \u2013 I am <\/em>one. It\u2019s just that sometimes I just want to bypass my own bullshit and fuck as a dude, and role playing helps me do that.<\/p>\n

And dysphoria can go in all kinds of directions. I spend a lot of time floating around in gender soup, and it\u2019s not always maleness I\u2019m seeking. When I’m feeling disconnected from feeling like a woman or can\u2019t quite grasp my frequent anchor of agender, picking a decidedly female or nonbinary character can help me with those headspaces as well.<\/p>\n

Coping with Trauma (TW: Rape)<\/h4>\n
\"\"
[Description: A gif of Jessica Jones snapping her rapist’s neck. Source<\/a>.]<\/figcaption><\/figure>When I was a preteen, a friend of my father\u2019s molested me over the course of a summer vacation. I was fat, and even at that age I felt useless because I was sure I\u2019d never earn male attention, the supposed pinnacle of validation for someone assigned female at birth. When D began to hurt me, I went out of my way to keep it hidden because I thought it was the best gift I\u2019d ever been given: being seen as desirable<\/em>.<\/p>\n

As an adult, I\u2019ve been date raped by two different men.<\/p>\n

I have nightmares a lot, especially in the summer time<\/a>. If a movie or a book includes sexual abuse without warning (and sometimes even with<\/em> warning) it can make me physically ill. Sometimes, if I\u2019m not expecting it, a casual touch from Buster in the wrong place will panic me. I can\u2019t help but be terrified of men who are taller than me, of men who flirt with confidence (often entitlement in disguise), of men who become too friendly too quickly.<\/p>\n

And being fat feels like it has its own trauma. I\u2019ve spent my entire life being a punch line, whether it\u2019s in a late night tv show monologue or from the rolled down window of a passing car. It\u2019s a 40 billion dollar industry to shame me, despite studies showing that diets are largely useless and the relationship between health and weight isn\u2019t clear-cut. As a queer person, I\u2019m used to strangers debating my right to be respected as human, but my fatness is more accessible to bigots than my queerness.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m proud of my body for being able to withstand these experiences. My body is a survivor. But sometimes the trauma associations that come with my body are exhausting; they rob me of the ability to feel bold, sexy, and strong. Sometimes it takes portraying a character I consider bolder, sexier, and stronger than myself to embrace those feelings again. I can use a character\u2019s headspace to step out of my own. Characters like Boo, for example, handle their bullshit a lot better than I do. I\u2019m happy to hand over the reigns sometimes.<\/p>\n

\"\"
[Description: A gif of Boo from Orange is the New Black<\/em> throwing her overshirt and dancing in just a tanktop in a circle of inmates.\u00a0Source<\/a>.]<\/figcaption><\/figure>Because some days, I can\u2019t stand the thought of being touched. Other days, I can\u2019t conceptualize why anyone would want<\/em> to touch me. And on those days, there are characters who I can rely on to bring the power or the confidence I lack in bed. Like training wheels on a bike, role playing is as a tool that can help me achieve balance. It can make me feel safe to ride a little farther, a little faster, with my head held high.<\/p>\n

Encouraging Exploration<\/h4>\n

Beyond gender affirmation and coping with trauma, role playing allows me to immerse myself in less-imperative-but-still-important shit, like dominance roles and kinky headspaces. From D\/s to trying out new impact toys, using characters as a springboard for experimentation has made me way more adventurous than I\u2019d otherwise be. I don\u2019t have to worry over if I\u2019m X enough to accomplish Y. I can just be<\/em>\u00a0X and do Y as I please. (Assuming, of course, I\u2019ve done my research and have talked it over with Buster!)<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t feel like the kind of person who punishes their lover with floggings \u2013 hell, if anyone in this house should get punished, it\u2019s me<\/em>, for regularly slacking off on household chores. But I have a dozen characters who are not only exactly<\/em> the kind of person who doles out punishment, they love<\/em> doing it! (Lucy Wells, Minerva McGonagall, Leonard McCoy, Hope van Dyne\u2026) The urges are still mine<\/em>, the character is just a vehicle to get into the right headspace and enjoy it\u2026 like putting on some lingerie to get in the mood after spending all day having to be a sexless office drone.<\/p>\n

\"\"
[Description: “So take a good look, Daddy.” A gif of Margot Robbie meanly pouting and spreading her legs in The<\/em>\u00a0Wolf of Wall Street<\/em>.\u00a0Source<\/a>.]<\/figcaption><\/figure>Sometimes I want to be a mean kitten who tops from the bottom and demands nothing short of spectacular sex from a thoroughly hassled service dom. Sometimes I want to be a relaxed daddy dom who looks after their darling and offers loving but firm directions in all things. Sometimes I want to be a greedy 24\/7 sub who exists purely to receive orgasms.\u00a0And I can become any of these things as soon as I pick a character.<\/p>\n

These things are all parts of me that are held back by limits I put on myself. Sometimes these limits are due to valid reasons \u2013 I don\u2019t have the spoons or even the desire<\/em> to be a daddy dom more than just occasionally, for example \u2013 and sometimes these limits are just due to irrational or negative thinking. Pouring my sexual desires into a specific character lets me dismiss all those self-imposed limitations and just be<\/em>.<\/p>\n

And it is so, so<\/em> freeing.<\/p>\n

In Conclusion, I Guess<\/h4>\n

When I decided I wanted to start a sex blog, one of the things I knew I wanted to focus on \u2013 and was the most excited to write about, besides toys \u2013 was role playing. From the first time I tried lowering my voice to drawl boredly like Severus Snape (and erupted into nervous giggles immediately after) at 16, to last night\u2019s brief indulgence in my original character Bobby\u2019s pup space, I\u2019ve been learning and loving everything that role playing can add to the bedroom.<\/p>\n

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[Description: A gif of Abby and Holtzmann from Ghostbusters<\/em>, gripping a metal support column between their thighs and throwing their arms out in celebration. Source<\/a>.]<\/figcaption><\/figure>Because holy shit<\/em>, y\u2019all, it is so much weird, kinky fun.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

(Content Warnings: Heavy discussion of past sexual abuse, gender dysphoria, and fatphobia; frequent gif use.) My first orgasm was as Elizabeth Swann. And before you scroll to check who wrote this – no, dear reader, I’m afraid this is not a scintillating personal essay written […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":167,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[854,856,722,724,16],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-166","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-fat-body-positive","category-being-lgbt","category-queer-bondage-kink","category-essays-articles","category-essays-guides"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t