{"id":1225,"date":"2018-10-07T23:19:34","date_gmt":"2018-10-07T23:19:34","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bettybutch.com\/?p=1225"},"modified":"2019-05-22T17:39:59","modified_gmt":"2019-05-22T17:39:59","slug":"6-sex-toys-that-could-probably-kill-zombies","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bettybutch.com\/index.php\/2018\/10\/07\/6-sex-toys-that-could-probably-kill-zombies\/","title":{"rendered":"6 Sex Toys That Could (Probably) Kill Zombies"},"content":{"rendered":"

It\u2019s that time of year again! A brand new season of The Walking Dead is about to unfold, which means I\u2019ll be spending my Sunday nights watching a show that\u2019s only had a handful of good episodes over its shambling 8-season run, desperately hoping for a scrap of queer rep that doesn\u2019t end in a gruesome death or being unsubtly restricted to crowd scene filler. I can\u2019t wait for all the disappointment!<\/p>\n

(But seriously, fingers crossed the new showrunner can turn this mess around.)<\/p>\n

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[Description: A gif of Michonne from TWD talking into a walkie, saying, “I hope everything can change.”]<\/figcaption><\/figure>With new episodes of The Walking Dead to watch (and subsequent episodes of abuser-hosted The Talking Dead to boycott), I\u2019ve been musing over zombie apocalypse strategies. Mostly beheading a couple of zombies and then dabbing to imagined airhorns.<\/p>\n

But given my blog\u2019s focus, I think it\u2019s only natural that my apocalypse hypotheticals also heavily focus on fucking while the world burns. Just because your neighbors are all undead brain-eaters doesn\u2019t mean you\u2019re not going to wanna get some. (My neighbors are mostly Trump supporters anyway, so I\u2019m already used to a constant state of anxiety whenever I go outside.) But in the apocalypse, you can\u2019t just lug a backpack of sex toys from one doomed safe zone to the next. The hierarchy of needs becomes stricter when there\u2019s zombies afoot, with medical supplies and food coming before you<\/em> coming does.<\/p>\n

So what about a sex toy with a dual purpose? What about a sex toy you can\u2026 kill zombies with?<\/p>\n

1.)\u00a0<\/strong>A Fucking Metal Bar<\/strong><\/em><\/h5>\n
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[Description: A textured metal rod featuring a number of half-loops of metal through which bondage restraints can be tied. The Stockroom<\/a>.]<\/figcaption><\/figure>The Rebar Spreader Bar from The Stockroom:<\/strong> 18 inches of raw steel imitation for keeping a submissive spread with the cuffs or rope of your choice. Currently $68 USD<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Now this both is and isn\u2019t an obvious choice. It\u2019s already modeled after an action movie favorite for impromptu warehouse murder or death by dramatic fall in a construction site. But bondage in the apocalypse seems like it\u2019s just begging for the same results as that scene in Puppet Master with Tunneler. So I guess just make sure you\u2019re practicing Risk Aware Consensual Kink, where some of the risk to be aware of include possibly being mauled to death by a previously unexpected participant.<\/p>\n

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[Description: Morgan from TWD expertly taking out two assailants with his staff. Source<\/a>.]<\/figcaption><\/figure>The Rebar Spreader Bar has serious potential for cracking zombie skull, but I think you could also get fancier with it \u00e0 la Morgan Jones. But don\u2019t The Art of Peace<\/em> that shit, okay? This is an apocalypse. We\u2019re all out here killing zombies and<\/em> each other. It\u2019s dog eat dog. Especially if the first dog is a zombie.<\/p>\n
2.) A Huge-Ass Wand<\/em><\/h5>\n
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[Description: A wand vibrator with a somewhat oval head and metallic handle. It has three buttons and a cord. RGN Toys<\/a>.]<\/figcaption><\/figure>The Doxy Die Cast from RGN Toys:<\/strong> nearly two pounds of corded crotch-shuddering power in a titanium and aluminum package. Currently $210 USD<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Listen, there\u2019s no reason you should have to sacrifice screaming orgasms to survive the zombie apocalypse. It\u2019s the zombie apocalypse<\/em>, we\u2019re screaming all<\/em> the time<\/em> now. If all the hollering attracts a horde, then at least you can die just like you lived: stressed out and masturbating.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

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[Description: A TWD gif wherein Rick swipes a zombie with a weapon while galloping on horseback.]<\/figcaption><\/figure>There are a number of ways you can utilize a Doxy Die Cast as a zombie-battering badass. You can swing it by its cord like some kind of lasso except instead of wrangling cows or whatever you\u2019re toppling the undead. You can ride a horse and bash zombies as you pass. Will it still function afterwards? I dunno. I don\u2019t own a Doxy. In fact I only own one<\/em> toy featured on this list. I\u2019m unqualified to give you advice on weaponizable sex toys, both because I haven\u2019t handled these toys, and because I don\u2019t think I\u2019d survive the first week<\/em> of an apocalypse.<\/p>\n

Moving on!<\/p>\n

3.) A Rock, Basically<\/em><\/h5>\n
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[Description: A black-with-glittery-silver-flecks dildo made of stone that’s shaped like an especially skinny banana. Peepshow Toys<\/a>.]<\/figcaption><\/figure>The D.2 Stone Dildo from Peepshow Toys:<\/strong> almost a full pound of solid, fuckable granite fashioned into 8 inches of potential. Currently $110 USD<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Now, fending off zombies with a g-spot stimulating rock doesn\u2019t seem ideal. For one thing, the stone is smooth and specially finished to make it body-safe, so it lacks a good stabby end. For another, it\u2019s actually relatively small, so you\u2019ll have to be in close combat to even use it. But times are tough, buddy, and nobody ever survived the zombie apocalypse by refusing to improvise.<\/p>\n

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[Description: Deadpool standing beside Cable. Deadpool says, “I’m just gonna use this brick!” while brandishing a brick. Source<\/a>.]<\/figcaption><\/figure>So what can you do with a D.2 Stone Dildo, besides firm g-spot finessing? Go for the eye socket. Throw it as hard as you can from several feet away. Tie it to your hand somehow and deliver nose-crunching punches that\u2019ll probably break your knuckles. Imitate that scene from the first Jurassic Park where Grant menaces a child, which is sure to creep out even a zombie. Maximum effort!<\/p>\n
4.) A Big Silicone Dong<\/em><\/h5>\n
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[Description: A girthy black dildo with a realistic head shape, indistinct vein texturing, and a prominently ridged handle. Tantus Inc<\/a>.]<\/figcaption><\/figure>The Anaconda Silicone Dildo from Tantus:<\/strong> 7 inches of rigid silicone dildo with an additional 4-inch handle. Currently $50 USD<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Tantus actually has a number of larger dildos, but I like the Anaconda for its nifty handle. Like the D.2 Stone Dildo, it\u2019s too small to be suitable for a main weapon, but it\u2019s an ideal backup for when the leader of an opposing faction of survivors disarms you but gets grossed out by you carrying around a dildo. They won\u2019t bother confiscating it because ew, cooties<\/em>. How ironic that their sex negativity will be their downfall.<\/p>\n

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[Description: Negan from TWD, sitting at a table and holding his bat menacingly as he watches someone off-screen and smiles consideringly. Source<\/a>.]<\/figcaption><\/figure>The ways you could utilize the Anaconda are limitless. You can do everything you could do with a really short bat! Or a flail! Except it won\u2019t be as effective because as hefty as it is (I own it and it\u2019s a beast<\/em>) it still doesn\u2019t have the bone-breaking weight you\u2019ll need for a truly effective weapon. You can still go full Negan on those that cross you, but all you\u2019ll really accomplish is knocking someone out cold with a dildo. Which, I mean, you do you. Now more than ever we should be embracing our true selves. You could be eaten by a zombie at any moment.<\/p>\n
5.) A Serious Ass-Spanker<\/em><\/h5>\n
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[Description: A long, narrow paddle done in a crimson wood with darker swirling. The Stockroom<\/a>.]<\/figcaption><\/figure>The Alexandra Wooden Spanking Paddle from The Stockroom:<\/strong> a visually stunning 20-inch paddle described as \u201csurprisingly light in weight.\u201d Currently $150 USD<\/a>.<\/p>\n
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[Description: Shaun of Shaun of the Dead carrying a cricket bat(?). Source<\/a>.]<\/figcaption><\/figure>Just because you\u2019re fighting for your life from sunrise to sunset doesn\u2019t mean you don\u2019t want a good consensual beating now and then. Life was hard before<\/em> there were cannibalistic corpses roaming the land in search of their next person-shaped meal. Unwind with a hard paddling, and then stroll out of your safe house the next morning wielding some serious wood.<\/p>\n

Heh.<\/p>\n

The Alexandra Wooden Spanking Paddle is perhaps the most weapon-like toy featured on this list, and pretty vanilla-passing as long as people haven\u2019t had a good look at actual cricket bats \u2013 or whatever those things are called \u2013 and can tell that this is a \u201cyou\u2019re a bad little [gendered endearment], aren\u2019t you?\u201d thing and not a weird foreign sports thing. If you get called out, just remind your ragtag band of traveling companions that kink-shaming is so<\/em> pre-apocalypse and remind them if they want you to be the Tallahassee to their Columbus, they had better shape up.<\/p>\n

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[Description: A gif from Zombieland. Columbus dropping to his knees and sliding across the floor while Tallahasse swings a bat at the zombie chasing him.]<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
6.) A Big Metal Dildo<\/em><\/h5>\n
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[Description: A large steel dildo with a large, rounded end and a smaller end with ripples. SheVibe<\/a>.]<\/figcaption><\/figure>The NJoy Stainless Steel Dildo from SheVibe:<\/strong> an impressive 11-inch double-ended dildo, weighing nearly three pounds. Currently $250 USD<\/a>.<\/p>\n
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[Description: Maggie confronting Glenn while looking for supplies. Glenn’s holding a box of condoms. Source<\/a>.]<\/figcaption><\/figure>If you\u2019re hip to sex toys beyond cursory shopping here and there, this is probably the sex toy that jumped to mind as soon as you read this post\u2019s title. It\u2019s huge, it\u2019s stainless steel, and it\u2019s intimidating in more ways than one. Because it\u2019s (surgical grade) stainless steel, you can use it with any kind of lube, which is a nice bonus when you\u2019re having to forage for that shit on the go.<\/p>\n

The Njoy Stainless Steel Dildo is the zombie apocalypse weapon of a stone cold badass. It\u2019s effective, it\u2019s aesthetically pleasing, and it\u2019s not stealthy but it\u2019s also not immediately clear to the uninitiated what it\u2019s intended for. It\u2019s also super expensive, so either have to be financially endowed and buy it before civilization collapses, or you\u2019ll have to break into a sex shop two months afterwards and look for it.<\/p>\n

But maybe you know of a few toys I missed. Maybe you have some of them in your bedside table drawer. Tell me, what sex toy will you<\/em> be bringing when civilization falls?<\/h5>\n

Affiliate links were used in this post.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It’s that time of year again! A brand new season of The Walking Dead is about to unfold, which means I’ll be spending my Sunday nights watching a show that’s only had a handful of good episodes over its shambling 8-season run, desperately hoping for […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1255,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[502,724,16],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1225","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-talk-nerdy-to-me","category-essays-articles","category-essays-guides"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t